My first male nurse!
Gary was awesome!

#7 and Hanging in There!

I apologize for the delay. I really have to push myself to post on Thursdays because Friday is a tough day for me followed by Saturday that is better but still a little tough. I am full of the chemo and steroids and they take their toll for sure. It plays with my head even more than my body and I just need to find ways to fight back on those days. Getting out and getting my mind off of things is the best right now.  

So Joe and Danielle took me first for my blood work followed by an appointment with my oncologist. She had a very hard time locating the tumor in my breast and feels that it is really shrinking! That was great news...moving in the right direction for sure. I feel it, I would say it has gone from an olive to a blueberry. Next step, GONE! Please say prayers for me that the tumor will keep shrinking and that there will be No Evidence of Disease when I have my surgery. Speaking of which, I got a little better idea of how long all of this will take. I probably will be finishing up all my chemo some time in December and then surgery after the first of the year I would think. Then a few more weeks for some recovery time and I start 6 weeks of radiation 5 days a week. Its a long road and very overwhelming if I look at it as a whole so I just keep trying to remind myself that I just have to go at this one day at a time. Hard to do sometimes!

Joe had to leave for work but my Daniellie stayed and kept me company. That lovely girl of mine drives all the way down on Thursday night after work and then has to drive all the way back up Thursday evening. She says I have to stop thanking her for her sacrifice and I can't call it that any more. I am incredibly thankful to get to see her and spend time with her though. I had an extra bonus this time, my friend Lucia came by and joined Danielle and I. It was great getting to see her and catch up on life. Of course it was all followed by Rosary Time with Danielle. We went to Our Lady of Mt Carmel and I was so happy to share some of my favorite spots in the church to spend time praying. 

Blessings

Everyday I am so blessed to be surrounded by so much love and support. Joe, Kendall and Christian put up with my mood swings, and really try their best to distract and encourage me. It's a big job! I just don't know what I would do without them. I am in a phase of putting this all into perspective right now. I have a hard time just going about what would be a "normal day" and not having this cloud hang in front of it all. One early morning when I had a moment of clarity and inspiration I wrote some pretty powerful stuff on some paper. I need to keep reading it and reminding myself of it all. I am so blessed and I need to hand this over to God each and everyday. He certainly can handle this better than I! This cancer does not define who I am, I need to get back to being good old stubborn Beth. I need to take my life back over and start the living that goes on between all of this! I have so many blessed reasons for it all. Each of you are part of that! With that in mind, I need to go because Joe and I are heading off to go see Pippin at the Civic Center today. Looking forward to a day out with Joe and best part is that it's in AC. This weather is the pits!!!

Post Coming Soon...I Promise!

So first of all #7 went great today and the day was non stop and so full that it is too late for me to write it all up. I promise that I will do it tomorrow night because tomorrow has a bunch going on too. I was sooooo lame today about taking pictures today! (I did get my cute little MALE nurse - first male- in a pic holding up 7 fingers at least but you will have to wait for it!)

I will take some tomorrow so I can have more visuals for y'all! ;o)  Okay, all is well and I am going to go attempt to get some sleep. The steroids during the treatment make Thursday nights a challenge for sure. Did "fall asleep" last Thursday night till 4AM!  Hoping for better success tonight since I had a little less of them today. 

Love you all for hanging in there with me and following this. I hope to get back into writing more soon and getting back into sharing more perspectives. Please do know that I have climbed out of the emotional/mental hole I dug myself into and am at least taking steps (most baby-sized) back into being the "before Beth" more and more.  More on that tomorrow.

Good night! Let's go give this sleep thing a shot...

The lovely Ann (notice the one
finger on her other hand
to make #6)

#6...Halfway Done with 1st Round of Meds!

So today was my first day without a family member taking me for treatment. It has mixed blessing since it allowed me to spend some pretty darn special time with some pretty darn special people! Kendall went back to teaching this week and Joe flew out at the crack of dawn for a business trip. Danielle will be coming down every other Thursday and this was her off week.

You are asking who these pretty darn special people that did take me? Well Alicia Gelaro was my volunteer of the day. Since she starts teaching next week it was her only open Thursday so she kindly offered to do it. Then we had 2 lovely additions that added to the fun. Both Sheila and Kendall Walwick came and joined us! We spent the time coloring! Teacher that she is, Alicia came fully prepared with an incredible set of colored pencils and the coolest print outs and special paper. We sure got a lot of looky-loos over our activities...they were all jealous for sure! Thank you lovely dear friends for making what could have been an anxiety day (missing my family) into a day to remember and treasure. Both Danielle and Cam were able to Facetime and Kendall checking with a text and photos from her class. We had fun sending photos back and forth with them, silly ones and all! My family were there in spirit!

Photo wars with the second graders and Miss Sczempka!

Rosary Time

We got my dedicated Rosary time in of course. Alicia and Sheila joined me in the "Bamboo Garden" and it was so special to share the Rosary with them! Another great memory for sure. The wind cooperated nicely and the feeling of the Holy Spirit came flooding in again! Then I had a lovely "lunch" around 4 with Alicia, thank you sweet friends!

Blessings

Last Sunday I feel like I started making a break through on my anxiety all thanks to Joe, Kendall and Christian. I have been slowly cutting myself off from life. I started getting scared to leave the house, to run into people, to live! They got me out and believe it or not, walking about Target was a huge ground breaking experience. A lot of deep breaths and positive thinking, I left a happy camper with some things I actually needed to pick up. Then we went to Seaport Village and had a yummy dinner at Puestos...if you have not tried it and want a fun night out I say go for it! Make sure you do their tacos, it is what they are known for! Let's just say they are not your average tacos and the atmosphere is fun and very SoCal. 

The week was followed with some other steps in the right direction. Kendall and I did an art class through UCSD Monday night, and I went and saw a counselor right before. Some of things she told me are really starting to make sense. Tuesday I went to a cancer support group meeting and met some pretty inspirational people! I need to take care of myself and find time for these types of things. Speaking of which I have a favor to ask you...

I am really trying to find some good tips on great meditations (to help with sleep, anxiety and controlling my mind) and some mindful living classes all of which that won't go against my Christian values. I need as much positive input that I can get right now to stay on this track. Even suggestions for books on these types of things are welcome. Please feel free to reach out to me by email about this beth18@san.rr.com All suggestions are welcomed and encouraged. ;o) I am also trying to find some books to read for fun. I used to be a big murder mystery person but right now I am really looking for fun, light hearted, nice, good feeling books to get lost in. All you readers out there...fill me in!

Okay, sorry for the absence from blogging. Trying to get my "stuff" together is a journey and lots of hard work that has been sucking the life out of me a bit but know that I am getting on the right track! Thank you all for taking the time to read my blog, my heartfelt thanks!

Maria was great and she even
lives in PQ by us!

#5 Today with Quite a Surprise!

Yup today certainly was packed with a huge and fun surprise! Joe, Danielle and Kendall were with me as we headed down early for my labs to be ran. We typically have about 1 to 1/2 hours to spend waiting for them so we always eat breakfast at the cafe there and sit outside. It is a nice treat since we will be inside for quite a few hours afterward!

Well...as we headed up Kendall informs me there is a friend meeting up with us to share breakfast. Of course I start guessing and she keeps telling me I am wrong and will NEVER guess it. She was right! We get up there and I don't see anyone. Then some doors open and I turn around to find my darling friend Sharon Gruber with none other than some of the Miss Poway Pageant girls! Now let me explain...Sharon, the mother of 2 grown sons, has been running the Pageant for many years now (splendidly I must say) and has managed to get me, Kendall, and even Danielle on one occasion, to judge it. I resisted at first since I am not a fan of "beauty pageants"  but let me tell you...this is not your typical one. Although these girls are all beautiful, the scoring has very little to do with that. I am so proud of what she teaches these girls and does with them. It is an honor to be a judge.

So here are these 3 young ladies, fully decked out in their pageant regalia coming out to greet me. They had an embroidered sash reading "Miss Poway #1 Judge" on it and it even had "Beth" on the top! Oh, and did I mention a tiara? Yup, I even got my very first tiara!!! This girl has never had one of those before...I know, so hard to believe (cough)!  What an incredible surprise and great way to start my day. If you are wondering, YES I CRIED! Thank you my dear friend and thank you to your wonderful young ladies!

Now about treatment #5...this was Kendall's last time with me unless they fall on a school holiday (insert tear here). To say I am going to miss having her along is a gross understatement. Darn those second graders! The good news is that Danielle has made arrangements to come down every other Thursday though so that will be so nice to see her and spend some time with her. I get a lot of Kendall time, love and attention at home to it is nice to get Danielle here for some too. I am beyond blessed. Joe was able to stay today until about 12 so that was great. He is so sweet to take that morning off for me when he is not out of town.

The treatment went well and I was so happy to see that some of my important blood counts had actually gone up since last time! Yippee!!! I am really learning to take care of myself in this process and I hope that is paying off. 

Blessings

Well today had many Blessings but our Rosary time afterward was a true highlight for me. We really didn't have time to make it to the beach so we found a beautiful and serene bamboo garden area at Moores. It is completely surrounded by the tall structure on all 4 sides and very protected & quiet. We sat in the shade and prayed the Rosary together out loud. Once we started every time we would get to a decade and pray the Hail Marys, the wind would pick up and whirl around us. It was cool, refreshing air and pretty darn strong! It was so obviously full of the Holy Spirit that is was impossible to not be touched deeply by it. Danielle even broke down crying a few times (which of course makes me cry!). It was a moment to truly treasure. 

Another awesome thing was before we started praying we crossed ourselves with some Lourdes Holy water and then I asked the girls to put a cross with the water over my tumor area...yes we sat there in public with them crossing the upper part of my boob! After we finished the Rosary Kendall shared with Danielle and I that for the first two decades of the beads she felt a "pressure" coming out of her finger she crossed me with and into each bead. It was a sensation she had never felt before and she truly feels it was Mary taking something from the tumors through her finger and into the beads. It was hard for her to put into words but knew it was something pretty special! Thank you for this day Lord and for the many wonderful touching gifts that came with it!

A most memorable Rosary session!

#4 Completed...check!

It was a long day since it included an appointment with my oncologist, Dr Parker. We started at 8AM with her. She examined me and said that my tumor feels smaller and getting less definitive edges to it already after 3 treatments! That was huge news to hear...praise God!! What a great way to start your day, right!

Then off with Joe and Kendall for my blood work. They had the hardest time getting my blood to come out of Arnold. Sitting, laying down, head turned and coughing (lol, the guys do that for their exams all the time!), but the final pose that worked was me standing with my left arm raised, head turned right, hip popped out in true super model fashion!  Kendall was watching and cracking up! This is not abnormal (the trouble getting the blood...not so much the pose) so nothing to worry about with Arnie. He got all checked out and cleared Tuesday if you remember!

Then our customary "kill time breakfast" at the cafe but it took about 1 hour and 45 minutes for the results this time! Argh. At least I got a fabulous nurse out of it when it was finally time for the treatment. Nakia was great and so on top of it all. When she removed the needle we had no problems because she took her time and didn't rush things. Success!!  

After my custom of praying the rosary with Kendall afterwards (in the grotto at St Therese of Carmel this time) I ran to work to see a client. Then to OLMC for some "alone time with the Big Guy". I love that soooo much and highly recommend it!

Big Hairy Deal

My crazy family at Tease...I adore them!

So my hair is coming out by the handfuls and it was time to take the next step. I asked Bekie at the salon to cut it super short "Robin Wright-Style" (as per Cam's suggestion). That way as it falls out it won't be as hard to take. I do expect that in the next few days I will need to clipper off what little will be left of this totally adorable and liberating hair cut. It is a chance to be a humbled woman of Christ. In the big picture it is not that big of a deal. It is an external sign that the chemo is working and it will certainly grow back. I like this short cut so much that I may never grow it long again. Both Danielle and Cameron FaceTimed during my treatment and my hair cut. So nice to have them there in that way.

The BEST part was when Joe, Kendall and I showed up for my cut. All of the girls that were there in the salon had wigs on! Are they the most amazing women ever!?!? I am beyond blessed to have such an amazing family at home but then to go to work and have this second amazing family is more than anyone could ask for. I love them all so dearly! Thanks to my friend Sharon Gruber who supplied the fun wigs they all looked amazing. 

Okay wait...the other best part is that Cameron text me after seeing the pic of the finished cut and said, "Ummm this needs to be your normal hair style from now on. I LOVE THIS LOOK ON YOU!! YOU LOOK SOO BEAUTIFUL." I mean really, does it get any better than that for a madre?

Next challenge...rock the bald thing!

Blessings

As I mentioned before, I have been spending a lot of time at church. I normally attend morning mass and love that but I truly love my time alone in church as well, especially in the Blessed Sacrament chapel. I had some very special things happen the last couple of days. First of all Joe and I were on our way home Tuesday from my Arnold check. We were going to go to OLMC for a bit but since the traffic was so bad on the 56 we popped into St Therese. They just happened to be having Adoration so we crashed it. It started me in the right direction to what was to come next. On Wednesday afternoon I found myself back at OLMC in the chapel. I was pretty broken when I went in and didn't really know where to start. I have found that when I am alone I can just "talk to God"...not necessarily in prayer form and even out loud. It is pretty cool! I just started talking and trying to visualize what I wrote about before. I feel I am climbing up this mountain path that is pretty treacherous. God is safely on the mountain side of the path and I am at the crumbly edge. I need not look ahead on the path, I need to turn in facing God and grasp both of His hands and just let Him lead me. It seems so easy and seems like such the logical thing to do but low and behold I keep messing it up. Stupid, stupid, stupid! 

Well yesterday while I was there talking with God the answer came to me. It was like a huge weight came off my shoulders and I was trying to figure out what had just happened. Then it hit me (like a 

2 x 4 right upside my noggin). I was no longer walking up this path, He has scooped me up in His arms and is now carrying me! It was just what I needed and just in time...no surprises there though. He truly does know what we need and when we need it. I feel much more at peace and just keep trying to feel His arms holding me. I know I have more challenging times ahead of me and I will pray that God just keeps me in those loving arms through it all. Heaven knows I will be spending plenty of time in church giving Him the chance to remind me. It is the best gift I have ever been given in my life so far, peace is priceless!

Touch Base

Hello everyone. I found out that if I take too much time from blogging I start scaring people. Sorry about that. I have found that balancing work and treatments has been a challenge. There is that huge part of me that says, "Gosh I wish I didn't have to work" but then again it is a great distraction and reminds me that I need to continue living during this process! (and the money is needed, not going to lie!). I am only able to work a fraction of the time I would normally but it gets me in there and that is what's important. The girls there have been incredible in helping me with my clients by the way and they do incredible work!

Arnold the "Terminator"

Another thing that happened and took up some extra time was that we thought that Arnold was not cooperating. It ends up that every time they remove the needle from my port during an infusion it is like I have sprung a leak and from the nurses reactions each time I guess this is NOT normal. Then again this is me they are dealing with and I am not often described as normal! To make a long story short I went in and had dye injected to have it checked and all seems just fine. I guess the nurses need to give me a little more time to "soak it all in" before taking the needle out after flushing the line and maybe even recline me a bit to help. I will be making sure these instructions are followed tomorrow when I have treatment #4.

Wedding Stuff

What a wonderful and blessed distraction to have been able to take Kendall wedding dress shopping last weekend. Danielle and I went with her on Friday and it really helped her narrow things down as to what she was looking for. The following day Joe, Christian's mom Lillian and I took her to shopping again and guess what????  She said YES to the DRESS!  It is stunning and I think it is the perfect dress for her! When they put the veil on her it all just made it so real!  (yes there were tears). It is soft, romantic, vintage and gorgeous but the best part is knowing she is marrying a incredible man of God that I know will be by her side all the days of their lives! By the way it is officially 365 days today until their big day (thus the fingers spelling out 365 in the pic)

Blessings

So I have to admit that I keep throwing myself into a pit of despair and I just hate myself for doing that. So far the mental warfare has been worse than the physical. I have been spending a lot of time praying and at church and God just had this great talk with me a few hours ago. I hope it is my turning point in getting on top of all of this. Please continue to pray for me to find peace and trust in all of this. I need to keep "living" during all of this and stop scaring myself so much. I want to reflect the woman of faith and God that I know I am through this and be a strong warrior ready to take this on. My next hard hurdle is the hair...it is falling out at a rapid speed and it shouldn't be long now that I am bald. Such a weird concept with all of this! My scalp is red and tingly and if I run my fingers through it I get a clump of hair. At some point I am going to have Kendall give me a buzz cut and go from there. At least I have a couple of cute wig options. Argh, gotta get my noggin wrap around this whole thing. My friend Alicia said it is just an external sign that the chemo is doing what it supposed to do! My new mantra!

Okay, going to walk with Joe up to get dinner so I had better get going. Sorry to have scared you for being underground.