Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

So I have been asked by a few people who have not seen me in awhile what the status is on my hair at this point. Well, I thought I would update y'all on it and include some visuals! Because I started this whole thing with an extremely full head of hair (fine but lots of it), I actually still have some on my head and have not worn wigs yet. Now mind you, it is not fabulous looking and there is a lot of smoke and mirrors used to make it look fuller. Thank goodness I know quite a few "professional" tricks of the trade because let's get real...who wants to wear a "hair hat" in this weather we are having in San Diego?! It has been in the high 80s and low 90s and a wig is not something I want to put on my head!! I know that my hair is thin and I am sure some people think, "Aw, that poor lady doesn't have much hair" but I DON'T CARE!!! I figure I should enjoy it for as long as I can.

I am shocked I still have hair at all because I will be getting my 12th and LAST Taxol treatment TOMORROW!!! YIPPEE!!! I have a week off after that and then start the stronger treatments (AC) on October 15. There are 4 of them and are every other week as long as my blood counts stay on track. That would mean my very last one would be the day after Thanksgiving which is kind of cool because I will probably feel decent on Thanksgiving and I would have the whole family here to help me celebrate finishing up my treatments! I hear that what little remains on my head will quickly fall out when I start the AC so I thought you'd like a peek at what I will look like in my "hair hats" (my term for my wigs).

Okay, here are the photos of me and my many different looks you could see me in. I am sure hat people at church will be saying, "Didn't that lady have short hair last week?" 

This is the real thing and is what's
 left on my head.
Not too bad!

This is "Nancy"
She is a sassy little bob cut
(human hair)

This is "Frankie"
She is short and sporty
(human hair)

Side shot of "Frankie"

"Rachel" is a synthetic wig
and won't last long but she
is cute

This in my "halo" that is a
headband of hair. It leaves
the top of my head hair free
and I can just put a hat on top
of it. Way cooler!

Just thought I throw "Marilyn" in
for laughs for y'all. Kendall wore this
a few times on stage...got to love
having a costume closet! I kind of liked
being a blonde for a few minutes!
You may just see me in this one again! lol

Okay, that is my update on my hair. I hope you enjoyed the photos. I will post tomorrow about how #12 went! Keep those prayers coming my friends, I need them all! 

Double Hockey Sticks!! 

We had to get an extra finger
to help Rey do #11!

Cam's #11 on
FaceTime

So today was #11 of 12 of the Taxol! Phase one of chemo almost done! Things went great, my port (aka Arnie the Terminator) that was acting up from day one seems to be cooperating very well lately. The blood test part works really well (no more standing, laying, arm on my head, coughing aerobics) and no more springing leaks when they take out the infusion needle at the end. Both have been a real problem so I am very pleased to say the least! 

My support team for the day!

Joe and Danielle were my crew today. The appointments have also been going faster and faster since they know I respond well to the Taxol and don't have to keep an eye on me as long. We showed up at 8AM and were out by 12:30. Joe watched my port hook up for the first time and didn't pass out, good job Joe!

Toes in the sand make me
so happy!

Rosary Time!

Afterwards Danielle and I went to La Jolla Shores for a long walk and some Rosary time in the shade of the pier. I LOVE beach glass and I found about 8 very nice pieces today. I have NEVER found that many in one hunting session before! Little treasures from angels for sure! ;o)

The birthday girl

Danielle removing link
#11 from the chemo chain

Then Danielle and I played chef and fixed a birthday meal for Kendall so Nana and Danielle could celebrate her. Kendall's actual birthday is tomorrow and I cannot believe she is turning 28! When did that happen? What a lovely way to end the day, sitting outside and dining with the family (or most of it...we missed Cam), and celebrating our Kendall! Danielle is in the car on her way back to LA now and I miss her already! (Please remember that I try to write all of the treatment info in the first section. If you are not particularly religious or not interested in the spiritual part of my journey please do not feel obligated to read the Blessing part of my blog...then again, you never know how it might touch you! ;o)

Blessings, my Ah-Ha moment and Dorothy's Ruby Red Slippers!

So this is certainly one of those times in life where a lot of reflecting takes place...that and prayer! Heaven knows I have been doing plenty of both! As many of you know from previous blog posts and from conversations I have been struggling quite a bit with dealing with the uncertainty of having an aggressive cancer with a scary reoccurrence rate and no real treatments afterward to help ward them off like most other breast cancers do. I actually had gotten myself into a bad hole that the family had really played a big role in getting me out of. Actually it was Kendall telling me to get in the car because we were going out whether I liked it or not (she said it MUCH nicer though!). I have been really working on getting better every day since then and needless to say my prayer life is the backbone to it all. 

Still I had been searching for different things and experiences that could help with that. Most of which all led me to realizing I was like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and had my ruby red slippers on all along (this will make sense at the end!). I tried hypo-therapy (she was actually quite awesome and does great work but it did not do for me what I hoped), then some psychology appointments...I explained that I was diagnosed with PTSD when I saw someone out of my plan (while I was waiting a month to see her at UCSD!). Even knowing this her technique was to make me face death by picturing my own death and funeral!!! Really?!?!!? Here I am trying to hang on to the belief and faith that God is going to allow all my cancer cells to die and she says this? I was there to manage and deal with anxiety! I even told her about my faith life and what I believe. This did not gel with me so that is over after 2 appointments needless to say. 

Next came a creative writing class at UCSD. I found myself in a room at a conference sized table with 7 other people plus the teacher. She was lovely and highly qualified but the writing prompt for that day was, "Go back to the day you got your "call" to tell you that you had cancer. What was the day like leading up to it, the weather, your mood, what you were doing? How you felt when you got the call and what you did next ." This may be good therapy for some but NOT FOR ME!!! I personally think living through that day of "the call" was enough for me...I am trying to move forward, get better, build and keep my hope up. I do not want to step backwards and relive a day that is in the past and wasn't all that much fun the first time. I know there are theories on how important it is so revisit our past and get things out but I am a "get things out type of person" to an extreme and rarely need to go back and do it again. I just don't see the need in peeling back the layers of an onion over and over and making yourself cry and feel pain that you have moved past! I cooperated and wrote my story but I was not a happy camper at all! No more writing class!

From there I drove for my appointment with Deacon Ron at St Gregs. I had such a lovely time discussing so many things I have been pondering and discerning over. One of the biggest is about God's will and if one truly accepts it then why do we pray for miracles, and intersessions. I also wonder if He has our live's mapped out for us then is a miracle really a miracle...if it was planned in the first place? Hummmm....Deacon Ron told me that he does not feel God gives us cancer. We as humans are hurting our world so much and causing all these things to bring cancer to way too many people. Then I thought since He doesn't cause it and if He intercedes and changes it by healing us then it is a miracle! We do have free will and we do end up doing things to ourselves by our own choice after all. Now I was not a smoker, drug users, drinker, abusing type of person. In fact I think I have taken pretty darn good care of myself for the most part but here I am with cancer none the less. Thanks mankind for messing with our planet! ;o)  

NEWS FLASH, HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART SO DON'T GIVE UP READING YET!!! THIS IS MY AH-HA MOMENT. When I walked out of my visit in the church office I headed straight for the Blessed Sacrament chapel. I knew right away what I needed and wanted to do. I have asked God from day one to "make clear my path" and He certainly has! All this searching and finally, God and I were right back on track with our original plan...our original deal. Give me that contract, I want to sign it in ink. Here's the deal:

• Every day I ask Jesus into my heart and to give me my daily bread. The strength, faith, courage, and grace that I need that day. I take it one day at a time because the big picture of all of this is just too much!
• Then I lay my worries, stress, anxiety at His feet since He can handle it WAY better than I can
• If I feel myself slipping during the day I just whisper His name and ask for His help

It's a simple and clear deal and one that has been working for me all along, quietly in the background as I searched and searched for a magic wand or silver bullet, my ruby red slippers had been there all along and I didn't fully know it. Click, click, click, I tap my heels...HOME, my church and spiritual HOME that I had been visiting every day was all I really needed. I appreciate and value it even more now. I know my "deal" with God is all I need to get through all of this. One day at a time!

What a journey this is turning out to be, so many hidden blessings and lessons along the way for sure!

From my friend Dede...what a great reminder!

Double Digit Time!

Yes sir...number 10 is officially behind me now! That means only 2 more of the Taxol. That also means getting closer to the next round of tougher chemo (AC - Adriamycin-Cytoxan). Which also means I am that much closer to being done! Can you all keep reminding me of that?!?! LOL

We met with my oncologist today between blood test and treatment. She is so awesome and came to me at the center instead of seeing her at the office! I got a little more insight into the next steps and some timing with it all. It ends up that I will be starting the AC a week earlier than I had thought. My date is October 15th. If I tolerate it well and my blood counts stay up I will be going every other week ending the day after Thanksgiving. I get an MRI at the end of Taxol to get a better look at the tumor/s but she feels like I am responding well. If I had not been or it felt like it was growing at any point they would have stopped the Taxol and have went straight to the AC. So thankfully things are moving in the right direction BUT I still need all of you little prayer warriors shouting out prayers for me for the No Evidence of Disease at the time of surgery please. If you want to throw in keeping my white blood count up and body staying strong, I will take that too. Thank you to you all!

I will see my surgeon again some time after I have 2 of the AC treatments. She will go over surgery plans and we will look at dates. I have 2-four day holidays working against me (Christmas and New Years) with my scheduling. It will most likely be somewhere around there. A good way to start the New Year for sure. Getting this even closer to being DONE!

It's Raining Men...Hallelujah!

Gary for the second time!
Very inventive with his #10!

Cam's and Jill's inventive
#10. 

I was surrounded by men today for my treatment! I had Gary again for my nurse and BOTH Christian and Joe came along for the whole thing. That was Joe's first time staying from start to finish! Christian took the day off from work to spend the whole day with me! Could I ask for a better son-in-law and husband for Kendall? Just in case you don't know the answer...it's NO! He found the whole port access thing quite interesting and did not pass out. The guys were all great and I am so mad at myself for not taking a photo of the 3 of them together. I am certainly not the photo taker that I was before. I need to work on that because I have missed a lot of great "Kodak moments" for sure!

My Ponce sister's #10

After treatment Joe had to work so Christian and I headed out to La Jolla to walk on the beach and for Rosary time. Bummer, it was high tide so no toes in the sand today but it was beyond beautiful down there and at least 10 degrees cooler! We walked along the sidewalk right above the beach so it was a great substitute for sure. We sat on the rocks for the Rosary and I could feel the mist of the waves still and the sound of them is such great background music for praying. He took me to this cool organic restaurant afterwards and then we headed home. It was great getting to spend time with him alone for a change. I am not sure we have been out and about alone much before so it was a treat!

Blessings

Each day I feel like I am really coping better and better. Sure, I have set backs now and then but things are really feeling more stable. I have done some fun stuff since my last post that involved me getting outside my box (hyperventilating and all!). On Saturday Joe and I went to Sea World with Kendall and Christian. She had free passes for us and we went for it. I was a major sun and germ-a-phobe but I got through it. Of course I was covered from head to toe again but was thankful for the strangely dressed tourists that show up at theme parks! LOL Not to be racists in any way but I did observe that quite a few Asian women cover up from the sun too. I don't know if you have seen this but I have been spotting a lot of them wearing these visors that have a HUGE sheet of sunglass tinted plastic that comes down over their entire face. Then they also usually have clothes that cover most of their skin so I just kept sitting near them and joining the club! By the way, I even brought a small umbrella and yes, I used it! Pride goes out the window when you just want to get out and enjoy yourself and we truly did! Joe, Kendall and Christian didn't even walk 10 paces in front of me and also sat with me...what troopers! What a blast...an exhausting, draining blast...but a blast and I slept like a baby that nigh!

Then the next day Joe and I attended his office BBQ.  One of the families hosts it at their home in Carlsbad every summer. It was my first "social event" and felt it was a good one to start with since it was a small group, was outside to help cut down on germs, had plenty of shade, and I would get to see some amazing people I love catching up with and have also been incredibly supportive of both Joe and I! The other reason is that Dennis is the grill master elite (not to mention a great chef in the kitchen) as well as  his wife Anna. When I say spread, I mean spread! They don't miss a thing and it was incredible. Well after taking deep breaths all the way up their driveway (thank goodness it's a VERY long one so I had extra time - any longer and I would have passed out from hyperventilating though LOL)...I made my entrance. Everyone was SO wonderful and made me feel comfortable and NORMAL! Yes, I said normal. I didn't have to be the person at the party with cancer, I just got to be me and visit. Can we say AWESOME! Thank you to the OD office for the day and hats off to Dennis and Anna.

One last photo just to capture what a beautiful day it was!
Gotta love living here for sure!

Tres Mas!

Monica the quick!

Add them up, they make 9!

Well #9 is officially done and that means 3 more to go for round 1 of chemo! Yup, 3 More (that is your translation for the title and if you don't speak at least that much Spanish and live in SD then shame on you! ;o) I had Monica today for my nurse. She was quick so we got out in record time!

Cam's version of 9 

Danielle headed down after work on Wednesday night and got here around 10PM. I still can't believe she does this but I am so thankful that she does. She and Joe went with me and Joe was able to stay for a bit before heading to work, it is always so special to have him there. As I type this Danielle is back on the road to LA already but at least this time she was able to stay for dinner. 

What a view!

Sunscreen to a new level!

Afterwards we headed to the beach because I have been longing to put my toes in the sand. This is hard to do since the sun blisters my skin now so I was the weirdo, in this lovely hot weather, covered from head to toe. It was worth it though, I have missed it so much and can't wait to get back to boogie boarding next summer (I am sure it will involve my friend Wendy!).  We also did our Rosary there and you couldn't beat the view! One yummy lunch later and we were headed home for Danielle's nap and a trip to church for me.

Improvement

I have been really working on getting better with the "head stuff."  Of course the thanks goes to the "Big Guy" up there! My spiritual journey has been amazing so far and I look forward to many more lessons and messages! I have never experienced anything like this happening in my life to this proportion before and really didn't know how to handle it. I mean, I am the strong one, the one that loves helping others try to figure things out and deal with things. I take care of others. What the heck? Then it didn't help either that I was diagnosed with PTSD over how some things got handled for me. The cancer that I have (triple negative, invasive breast cancer) has a real tough side to it. Only 60% of the people get to 5 years without a reoccurrence and that means metastatic cancer...no cure. There, I said it (okay, I typed it). I have NOT been able to bring myself to do that before now. That number counts women with much less invasive results as mine. THAT IS WHY I KEEP ASKING Y'ALL TO PRAY. Please pray for "NED" no evidence of disease when surgery happens...heck, even before that! I need tons of healthy white bloods cells reproducing like crazy to keep my body healthy and organs working well and I need tons of killer T-cells hunting down and killing ALL cancer cells in my body. I need to chemo to work the way it is supposed to. Because it is invasive I need any possible stray cancer cells hunted down and killed as well. I welcome and appreciate your prays so much! You can always add on the words "cancers cells permanently removed" if you don't mind. ;o)

I am slowly but surely taking my baby steps towards learning to live my life while this is all going on. So hard when there are so many parts of it throwing curve balls my way. Between the sun problems and feeling closed in, the new nutritional challenges, body reactions and feeling pumped with steroids (they keep me awake!), losing my hair, poop issues (I know TMI), the list continues. With that being said, I still feel so blessed that my reactions/side effects have not been worse. I feel pretty happy and thankful about that! What I need to remind myself of every day is: 

A) One day at a time B) Give it over to God every day, again and again...wash, repeat... C) Breath, Pray, Trust, Believe (not always in that order) D) Be thankful for EVERYTHING and count ALL blessings and victories! E) the Biggest one of all that I still have not conquered is QUIT worrying about what is not here yet and hopefully will NOT ever be here...reoccurrence. It hangs over me like a dark cloud when it sets in. It sneaks up on me in the day and even when I sleep. Satan is powerful and I am putting the boxing gloves on more and more as I sort this all out and continue to grow. 

F.E.A.R. = false evidence appearing real. Yup, the fear of what to come is NOT real. What is real needs my full attention and all my efforts to win this battle. That is the cancer that is there and I am fighting against along with the treatments. Baby steps but in the right direction at least!

Blessings

I found this little heart shaped
rock on the beach today. A
nice little message from God!

I am blown away by the people that surround my life! You are all so incredible and I am a very blessed woman for sure! I have had a hard time allowing people to help me and I must admit I have been rather "toxic" at times. It stills rears it's ugly head and I just hate it! At least I am making steps that are bigger than baby steps with this but when it happens I think, "Who the heck said that?" I am sorry if you have been a recipient of words or actions, or even lack of actions that didn't seem like Beth. 

With that being said, so many of you have not given up on me and I thank you for that. From my family, at home and at the salon, to the wonderful friends bringing yummy food to our house (even with my weird food restrictions and choices), to the best home made organic green drinks ever (that I know are keeping me healthy), to the clients I am able to see that have been so flexible and understanding, to the friends that keep me busy when I am not at work, to my friends that accompany me on my treatments, to the card senders, gift dropper offers, blog readers and prayer warriors, book helpers, text messagers that see if I need errands ran (yup, you Dede!), the list goes on and on. I couldn't do it without you! You are part of my team and I am so blessed by each and everyone one of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart and may God bless you all!

Ended the day with this incredible view of the
sunset from our backyard...thank you God!

One last photo that cracked me up from today. Good help is so hard to find! All electronic devices will be collected when accompanying me to treatment!  Okay, just kidding. I even use mine too in there sometimes. I love you two oodles!

Numero Ocho...is Done!

Here is the awesome Nakia
again. So happy to have her!

Yup, number 8 is complete, done, finished, off the list, link off counting chain torn off and in the trash!  Today my dear friend Wendy took me at the early hour of 7AM! At least the traffic was better. I had my favorite port nurse Alex do my blood work and port hook up and then I had my favorite nurse on the floor do my treatment! I really appreciate Nakia for her kind and patient ways (that takes a special person for this lady...I ask a lot of questions!) but I also appreciate her attention to detail and great communication! She is awesome! Wendy and I snuck in breakfast between the two procedures.

Every time I need to use the
bathroom I have to take my
pole with me. Here's a little
pole dance action for your
enjoyment! ;o)

It is amazing how quickly the time goes when I'm in there. There are constant vital checks and changing of bags, my needing to pee at least 2 times, phone chats with my kids and of course there is some serious visiting going on and coloring of course. Did you know that coloring is very calming to the mind, body and soul and it also uses both your right and left sides of the brain. I am getting hooked on it! 

Joe was able to leave work and come by on his lunch and stay to the end. That was backwards for him since he usually comes at the beginning and has to leave as the treatment starts. This time he got to see part of the other half of things. I am just glad he was there, I know it is hard for him to get away from work.

Some serious coloring time going on here! We were
freezing in there today and both got yummy
warm blankets!

Afterwards Wendy and I went into the Bamboo garden for my Rosary Time. I thought it was really cool to blend some of Wendy's way of getting into giving thanks with my way of doing it. It made me so full of peace to see her in her meditation pose as I did my Rosary. Afterwards she was very gracious to listen to why I do the Rosary and what it is all about. Wendy is the most open person to learning and respecting other's choices that I know! Then she drove me Whole Foods where we had some lunch and I explored the store. A great day with a great friend!

Wendy doing coloring therapy!

My favorite pics of the day. Wendy in her meditation pose
and then me with my Rosary in some great company! By the
way, my knees would NEVER let me get in that pose!

Getting Better in Time to Get Worse

I am improving my emotional/mental state little by little and I am very thankful for that. Of course God has the most to do with it but so do my family and my friends. Everyone's incredible support, love and understanding has meant the world to me. (okay some meds helped too! ;o)

I have proof of this improvement ...on Tuesday my car broke down twice and I didn't even freak out or loose it. I held it together, didn't have a melt down and even went back to the salon to do hair afterwards! Beth, a week or two ago would have face planted to the pavement and curled up into a sobbing ball! Both Christian and Kendall came to rescue me so that really helped but I was alone trying to handle things for quite awhile before any of that happen! Aren't you proud of me! (insert patting me on the head here). I do have to say that Christian is an amazing gentleman and I can't thank him enough for his help. He waited for the tow truck and got my car to the shop that night!

What do I mean "in time to get worse" in the title? Well, the body part is going to be getting harder soon. I have been truly blessed to be holding up so well physically so far. It has been tolerable (I will admit the loosing the hair little by little is still pretty tough...working on that though...more later about that in a later blog). My physical symptoms or reactions to the treatments have been what I would describe mild. The treatments are accumulative so they get harder each time. I finished 8 out of 12 today of the Taxol. Then the tougher stuff comes, 4 treatments of AC. At least they are spaced out more for recovery time. I need to keep my emotional/mental state improving from now to then so I can handle the added physical reactions. Whew...keep those prayers and good thoughts rolling in...I can feel them my little prayer warriors!

Blessings

I took myself to Our Lady of Mt Carmel for some prayer time later. I had some really fulfilling time there (not that I don't usually but it was extra today for sure). Once again I love love love being there alone or in the company of just a few others. It is so peaceful and so easy for me to really get into a deeper way of prayer. (I am sure some adult ADD must play a role in my usual distraction! That and the need to be checking out peoples hair cuts in church...I am a hairstylist after all).

I had a neat thing happen while I was doing the Rosary earlier that day and wanted to talk to God about it a little more. I was reading the Thursday Luminous mysteries and at one point the page had moved in the wind and I read the wrong one (divine intervention I am sure). It was the one about Jesus being lost and Mary finding Him in the temple. It made me realize how lost I have been at times through this and how God is always there to "find me". I guess maybe I should also say, I always fine Him as well. The peace in knowing that no matter how lost I have been at anytime in my life, I have always made my way back and find He has never left my side. No matter how bad it is or how forlorn I may feel I am not alone. I just need to turn and see that. How comforting is that!?!?! How wonderful to be "found!"

I have shared before about my special connection with Mary and how she has helped me throughout my life. Losing my own mom when I was 20 made Mary a great choice to attach to and I think it makes a lot of sense. Once again for my non-Catholic friends, I do not worship her but I do love her dearly and find great strength, peace, grace and comfort in talking to her. And she is the one that truly led me to deepen my relationship with her Son through this. And He has led me to a deeper relationship and understanding of God and the Holy Spirit. What a gift and it all started with Mary for me...thank you Blessed Mother!

I love you all mucho! Good night y'all!