Double Hockey Sticks!! 

We had to get an extra finger
to help Rey do #11!

Cam's #11 on
FaceTime

So today was #11 of 12 of the Taxol! Phase one of chemo almost done! Things went great, my port (aka Arnie the Terminator) that was acting up from day one seems to be cooperating very well lately. The blood test part works really well (no more standing, laying, arm on my head, coughing aerobics) and no more springing leaks when they take out the infusion needle at the end. Both have been a real problem so I am very pleased to say the least! 

My support team for the day!

Joe and Danielle were my crew today. The appointments have also been going faster and faster since they know I respond well to the Taxol and don't have to keep an eye on me as long. We showed up at 8AM and were out by 12:30. Joe watched my port hook up for the first time and didn't pass out, good job Joe!

Toes in the sand make me
so happy!

Rosary Time!

Afterwards Danielle and I went to La Jolla Shores for a long walk and some Rosary time in the shade of the pier. I LOVE beach glass and I found about 8 very nice pieces today. I have NEVER found that many in one hunting session before! Little treasures from angels for sure! ;o)

The birthday girl

Danielle removing link
#11 from the chemo chain

Then Danielle and I played chef and fixed a birthday meal for Kendall so Nana and Danielle could celebrate her. Kendall's actual birthday is tomorrow and I cannot believe she is turning 28! When did that happen? What a lovely way to end the day, sitting outside and dining with the family (or most of it...we missed Cam), and celebrating our Kendall! Danielle is in the car on her way back to LA now and I miss her already! (Please remember that I try to write all of the treatment info in the first section. If you are not particularly religious or not interested in the spiritual part of my journey please do not feel obligated to read the Blessing part of my blog...then again, you never know how it might touch you! ;o)

Blessings, my Ah-Ha moment and Dorothy's Ruby Red Slippers!

So this is certainly one of those times in life where a lot of reflecting takes place...that and prayer! Heaven knows I have been doing plenty of both! As many of you know from previous blog posts and from conversations I have been struggling quite a bit with dealing with the uncertainty of having an aggressive cancer with a scary reoccurrence rate and no real treatments afterward to help ward them off like most other breast cancers do. I actually had gotten myself into a bad hole that the family had really played a big role in getting me out of. Actually it was Kendall telling me to get in the car because we were going out whether I liked it or not (she said it MUCH nicer though!). I have been really working on getting better every day since then and needless to say my prayer life is the backbone to it all. 

Still I had been searching for different things and experiences that could help with that. Most of which all led me to realizing I was like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and had my ruby red slippers on all along (this will make sense at the end!). I tried hypo-therapy (she was actually quite awesome and does great work but it did not do for me what I hoped), then some psychology appointments...I explained that I was diagnosed with PTSD when I saw someone out of my plan (while I was waiting a month to see her at UCSD!). Even knowing this her technique was to make me face death by picturing my own death and funeral!!! Really?!?!!? Here I am trying to hang on to the belief and faith that God is going to allow all my cancer cells to die and she says this? I was there to manage and deal with anxiety! I even told her about my faith life and what I believe. This did not gel with me so that is over after 2 appointments needless to say. 

Next came a creative writing class at UCSD. I found myself in a room at a conference sized table with 7 other people plus the teacher. She was lovely and highly qualified but the writing prompt for that day was, "Go back to the day you got your "call" to tell you that you had cancer. What was the day like leading up to it, the weather, your mood, what you were doing? How you felt when you got the call and what you did next ." This may be good therapy for some but NOT FOR ME!!! I personally think living through that day of "the call" was enough for me...I am trying to move forward, get better, build and keep my hope up. I do not want to step backwards and relive a day that is in the past and wasn't all that much fun the first time. I know there are theories on how important it is so revisit our past and get things out but I am a "get things out type of person" to an extreme and rarely need to go back and do it again. I just don't see the need in peeling back the layers of an onion over and over and making yourself cry and feel pain that you have moved past! I cooperated and wrote my story but I was not a happy camper at all! No more writing class!

From there I drove for my appointment with Deacon Ron at St Gregs. I had such a lovely time discussing so many things I have been pondering and discerning over. One of the biggest is about God's will and if one truly accepts it then why do we pray for miracles, and intersessions. I also wonder if He has our live's mapped out for us then is a miracle really a miracle...if it was planned in the first place? Hummmm....Deacon Ron told me that he does not feel God gives us cancer. We as humans are hurting our world so much and causing all these things to bring cancer to way too many people. Then I thought since He doesn't cause it and if He intercedes and changes it by healing us then it is a miracle! We do have free will and we do end up doing things to ourselves by our own choice after all. Now I was not a smoker, drug users, drinker, abusing type of person. In fact I think I have taken pretty darn good care of myself for the most part but here I am with cancer none the less. Thanks mankind for messing with our planet! ;o)  

NEWS FLASH, HERE COMES THE IMPORTANT PART SO DON'T GIVE UP READING YET!!! THIS IS MY AH-HA MOMENT. When I walked out of my visit in the church office I headed straight for the Blessed Sacrament chapel. I knew right away what I needed and wanted to do. I have asked God from day one to "make clear my path" and He certainly has! All this searching and finally, God and I were right back on track with our original plan...our original deal. Give me that contract, I want to sign it in ink. Here's the deal:

• Every day I ask Jesus into my heart and to give me my daily bread. The strength, faith, courage, and grace that I need that day. I take it one day at a time because the big picture of all of this is just too much!
• Then I lay my worries, stress, anxiety at His feet since He can handle it WAY better than I can
• If I feel myself slipping during the day I just whisper His name and ask for His help

It's a simple and clear deal and one that has been working for me all along, quietly in the background as I searched and searched for a magic wand or silver bullet, my ruby red slippers had been there all along and I didn't fully know it. Click, click, click, I tap my heels...HOME, my church and spiritual HOME that I had been visiting every day was all I really needed. I appreciate and value it even more now. I know my "deal" with God is all I need to get through all of this. One day at a time!

What a journey this is turning out to be, so many hidden blessings and lessons along the way for sure!

From my friend Dede...what a great reminder!