#3 Down!

Mabel and a photo bombing nurse

So today I found out these 12 treatments are considered four 3 weekly cycles so not only did I finish my third treatment, I finished my first cycle! Yippee!!!! I had my 2 lovely daughters with me the whole time since Joe was out of town. They are great entertainment (even though Kendall beats me every time I play games with her!). We did our usual "show up early for blood work" and then grabbed a bite to eat to kill time waiting on the results. 

Blood Levels Down = No Hugs ;o(

Well, my blood levels are dropping a little but not enough to have called off this treatment at least. I have been fighting a sore throat and and swollen glands. I am sure that had something to do with it. I am on a strict NO HUG policy now and it is so hard for me...come on, I am a HUGGER!!! I hug everyone all the time and now I really have to use some restraint with that. I haven't stooped to the mask thing yet. Between claustrophobia from it and looking like an idiot I just have not gone there yet. My one client that is a nurse says that after you wear them for about 1/2 hour they really do not work that well anyway. I so think that other than at work, if I am going to be in a social environment I may have to bring myself to use them. I just want to stay on track with the treatments as much as possible. Sooooo, if you see me wearing a mask let's give it a laugh together and move past it. Hey, in Japan they do it all the time. In fact the people who wear them are the ones that don't feel well. They are very considerate about not spreading their germs! I like that...Tokyo here I come!

Lunch, Beach, Rosary and Blessings

The girls decided that since I was a really good girl today that we could go have lunch! LOL We ended up eating at Prep Kitchen in Del Mar and it was very yummy. Then we walked down to the beach and said the Rosary together. It is so special so share that with my daughters. It is so beautiful to sit and see and hear the waves breaking on the shore and rocks. My favorite part is the incredible fresh breeze that dances across your face. I feel like the Holy Spirit is all around me and letting me know things are going to be okay. It is my plan to pray the Rosary at the beach after every treatment. What a lovely and appropriate way to give thanks!

Victories and Great News

GREAT NEWS!!!  Found out yesterday that the genetic testing came back negative!  That means I do not have the genetic mutation in the BRCA 1 or 2 genes.  That means a whole lot by the way. Some of you may have heard about this after Angelina Jolie went public about her decision to have her breasts removed due to her positive test results. I don't want to go into great length and a genetic lesson here but let's just say that this is truly a complete blessing for both me and my daughters!!! I have asked you all to pray for 2 things on this journey for me and this was one of them so THANK YOU all for your prayers!

1 down and 1 to go!  That means that I now ask you all to focus your prayers on the next huge thing on this journey for me...to have all my cancer cells completely killed during this process of my treatments.  This can happen and I truly believe it will, especially with all of your continued prayers. I respond well to medications and I just know this chemo is going to destroy all the cancer in me! Please continue to keep me in your prayers and well wishes for this!

Cam-Man

Yup, one of the many nicknames we have for Cameron is Cam-man. Well, after last night I must say that he is truly living up to that name. He called to chat and check up on me. He has already made the decision to come home from NY in November to be here for me. I put up a fight at first because he is doing so well there and I hated to see him leave it. Well, he made it very clear to me that the decision was his to make and he had done so. Last night the man on the other line told me that I just needed to start getting used to being on the receiving end of being taken care of and that all of this is just what family does for each other. There was much more said and discussed but lets just say that when I hung up I just smiled thinking about what an awesome man my son is and how blessed I am by him. 

Blessings

So in mass today the reading was one of the stories about Martha and Mary (sisters of Lazarus). Afterward Fr Anthony gave a great homily about the differences of the 2 sisters. Martha is the busy worker always serving and trying to please others. She is doing God's work but is so busy that she doesn't stop to just "be".  Then there is Mary that puts the work aside to be in the moment. She is more prayerful and reverent in her ways. Fr Anthony pointed out how finding a balance of the 2 is important. 

It really got me thinking...I have been Martha all this time. Sure I pray but I am always looking for the work God wants me to do. I am a "doer" and like to jump in and take care of things for people.  I show my faith by doing and serving. I have always asked God to show me what He wants me to do for Him and He does. I love the work I have done in Mexico, at church, in Cambodia...even for my own family. I don't regret one moment of it at all.

But God has put the brakes on all of that for me. He is showing me that this period in my life and the journey He has laid out before me is a time when I can, and must spend more time becoming like Mary. It is a gift to become more needy on God and learn to just "be". My spiritual growth has already been immense and I look forward to it continuing.  I have a long way to go and my faith can still be shaken. I really wish I could learn to just turn my brain off sometimes...it is a total traffic jam in there! It jumps around to things I shouldn't let it jump to and makes me get all anxious. That is when I just need to "be"! When I leave church or get done praying I feel like my head, heart and soul are all full of the good things and thoughts. I wish I could take a key and lock it all in there and by doing that also locking out the thoughts that come in and start pushing it all out! It is quite a battle, let me tell you!  

This whole journey is all about who I am going to emerge out of it as. What will I learn, how will I grow? I want to be proud of myself when all the treatments are done and I keep trying to remind myself of that. One thing I know for sure is that I will have found a better balance with my inner Martha and Mary! I will continue to look for my blessings along the way. 

Couples Day

I guess yesterday was the day for couples in the Sczempka family. Joe and I hiked Torrey and then ended up that night at Steuby (I will explain later). Cameron and Jill were in NY having some yummy Philly cheesesteak sandwiches, Kendall and Christian were at the Cross Fit games in LA, and Danielle and Casey were at the Bonaventure for one of his radio appearances.  Now if I could just get us all together at the same time! I was just glad they were all out enjoying themselves, it was a beautiful day and it makes my heart so happy when I know my kids are all having a great time!

 I will be back in the saddle with work again Monday - Wednesday this week. Between the girls at the salon being angels and helping me with my overflow of clients and me having the best most understanding clients/friends in the world this all seems to be working for now!  So far I have not had much in the way of symptoms from the chemo. I feel very blessed and I am trying to enjoy it while it lasts. I know the first two are the easiest but since I have had virtually nothing so far I am hoping that when the symptoms do come that they won't be as bad since I am off to a good start. I have had some fatigue but I think that is more stress than anything else. The other symptom I am having I will do you all the favor and not go into detail. Let's just say it is also something my body does normally when I am stressed so it could also be from that (insert your own idea here!).

Wedding Dresses and Girl Time

I am really looking forward to the end of the week. First of all Danielle is coming down Wednesday night so she can come to my appointment on Thursday. She is fun to have along and a great distraction and I love having my girls together!  Then on Friday we are going to go with Kendall so she can try on wedding dresses for the first time!!!  I couldn't be more excited!  Then on Saturday Lillian, Christian's mom, is also coming down for a second day of wedding dress shopping.  I have such a happy heart just thinking about it all!

Steuby Blessings

What is Steuby? Well it's short for Steubenville and it is a weekend that is so amazing. It is a retreat held at USD (and across the nation) every summer and the kids from our church attend it every year with about 6000 other teens! It is one of my favorite weekends all year.  I usually am a chaperone and small group leader but since I couldn't do it this year our youth minister Pam was sweet enough to allow me to come last night for the evening program and adoration. I was also able to bring Joe along for his first time thanks to Jen!

Let me tell you, when you walk into an arena of 6000 teens all singing and praising there is nothing else like it.  The energy fills that huge room to the brim and practically blows the roof off! After some rock-style Christian music, lots of dancing and cheering there was an awesome talk by Jackie Francois followed by Adoration. It is so humbling to watch teens drop to their knees for over an hour on the cement floor. Their reverence is contagious and inspiring. It was exactly what I needed and a true turn of the tables for me. I am usually there for the kids, to watch over them and support them. To make sure they all have kleenex (there is usually a lot of tears) and are being hugged if needed. Since I was not in charged of any of them this time I was able to fully let myself get into it and absorb the whole experience. I think God knew that too because the priest stopped inches in front of me and it happened to be during my favorite song "Oceans." I got the message loud and clear as the words to the song said, "Spirit lead me where my trust in without borders, let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my Savior. I will call upon Your name, keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in Your embrace for I am Yours and You are mine."

Message received...soul fed! 

Heres the link to the song just incase you want to hear it for yourself. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBJJJkiRukY

Two Down!

This is Cassie with treatment #2!

So I got my second treatment today. Joe took me in the morning for blood work and breakfast and then Kendall joined us and stayed till the end so Joe could go to work. Things went great and I guess the Claritin and Pepsid (along with steroids) are doing the trick!











I got to FaceTime with both Cameron and Danielle while I was there. It was almost like having them there! Afterwards
Kendall and I headed to Del Mar to pray the rosary while we watched and listened to the waves. It was lovely and is my new tradition after treatments! We even held a third rosary at Danielle's request so she could "be there". Then off to Urban Plates for lunch (if you have not been there you need to go!).

I went to work and saw 2 clients afterwards since I was feeling fine. They are such sweethearts and were willing to take the chance of being rescheduled if needed. It was great to see them and visit...they are both RNs after all!

Blessings

There was one other thing I did before heading into work today and it is something I have been doing a lot of. I went to Our Lady of Mount Carmel church in PQ. If it is a day that I cannot go to the 8AM mass I have been finding time in the day to stop in and I am getting so much out of it. I really have never spent much time in church when no one is there (sometimes 1 or 2 others are off in corners praying quietly but I don't even notice them). Disclaimer, we usually go to St Gregs in Scripps and I love my parish but with this being so much closer for a quick run I have been going to OLMC. I am falling in love with that church! I feel so happy and serene when I am there and leave truly filled with the Holy Spirit. I don't know if many of you do this but I highly suggest it!

The first time I walked in it kind of took my breath away. The stillness and quietness seemed so Holy. I had the chance to really notice all the aspects of the church and I am still finding great little spots to pray in. I am a bit easily distracted so this is a great way for me to stay focused and get deeper into my praying. I just LOVE IT!  

The other thing I have added is praying the rosary every day. I had it mentioned to me by a few different people and thought this convert would give it a try. Mary has always been an important part of my life. I have always felt very connected to her so this just makes sense. A lot of people think Catholics worship Mary, which we don't. Have you ever heard us cross ourselves? Father, Son and Holy Spirit. No Mary in there. BUT we do love, respect and honor her, after all she did give birth to the son of God...great resume!  She has helped through some tough times. I loved praying to her when I was having pregnancy problems and when I was pregnant with Cameron and in danger of miscarrying him I talked and prayed to her every trip to and from the doctors
's office. I get so much inspiration from her faith, trust, strength, grace, and love. 

So quiet time at church and the rosary have really brought me some great peace! I am thankful to be woken up by these gifts!

Short and to the Point

Thought for the Day 

(Thank you Kathy!)

That's it for today...don't need to say much more than that! 

Back to Work!

Well it sure felt great to be back at work! I will be there Monday - Wednesday this week before heading into treatment #2 on Thursday. I was away too long and it took it's toll on me a bit. Idle time and too much time to think is not a plus for me at this point. I like being busy and I love my job. I get to visit and hear everyone's stories and get caught up with people, such a blessing for me. Joe and Kendall were both away out of town so Mike and Kathy Brown took me out for a bite to eat last night. It was lovely and I got to hear all about the wedding plans for their sons upcoming wedding. Makes me so excited about Kendall and Christian's wedding next summer!

Blessings and the Path of Life...

I have still been battling the "dark" feelings but actually had some unplanned free time this morning. I decided to put it to good use and have some time to not just praying but actually listening to what God is trying to tell me through this thick head of mine. Well my daily reading started with "Rest in my Presence when you need refreshment."  We were off to a good start! It also said, "When you relax in My company you are demonstrating trust in Me." TRUST... REST... RELAX. Hum, those are certainly good words. My thoughts and prayers took me back to my first and ongoing prayer since this started...I asked God to "Make clear my path". I asked that I would clearly see the decisions I was to make and the path I was to be on with all of this. I have had some pretty awesome answers that were nice and clear (remember that God and I have an agreement that I need to practically be hit in the head with a 2x4 to see things!).  Then I focused my thoughts on one word in that prayer of mine...the word PATH.

Life is a path, a journey on a path. We sometimes make that path much harder than it needs to be by straying off of it, backtracking and wasting time with things from the past, and the most dangerous of all...looking too far ahead and trying to predict outcomes. Well that is what this little numb scull keeps doing!  I keep running ahead and worrying about what is next. I do it to the point that it is making me sick and it is taking away from my healthy attitude that I need to be able to fight what is real right now. I am taking strength away and overshadowing positive thoughts that I need to heal and fight right now with. This needs to stop!!!

Here are my thoughts on this whole PATH thing. God can only be with us here on earth in the present. He is right there next to us on this little path, for each and every step. He has His hand out and all we need to do is TRUST and take it. Sometimes the path is narrow and harrowing, our grip can be tightened or can be lost at these times. Other times the path is wide and full of joy and happiness. We can also forget to hang on at these times and forget He is there. We take it for granted and forget to give thanks for it.

So right now for some reason I have been put on a difficult path. Now who in their right mind would step onto that path without grabbing the firm Hand outstretched and waiting for them? I have definitely grabbed a hold of that Hand ever since this began but I keep letting it go and running ahead on the path. I keep trying to picture what is next waiting around the corner...the what ifs, the maybes. They are all very scary and dark for me. I know why! When we break our hold from God's hand and run ahead or dwell in the past we choose to leave the Presence of God. Now why would we do that? Here we are on this path, in His Presence, with His loving grip on our hand and we break free from it and choose to remove ourselves from Him.  STUPID, major STUPID! It is dark on the path behind us and the path ahead of us because His light is in the presence...right there where His Hand is waiting outstretched for us.

It became so clear to me this morning that I must keep reminding myself to stay in the present. To fight the feeling of needing to peak up ahead on the path. I need to choose to stay in the present and just focus on what is real and what is before me. I need to focus on positive healing thoughts and good energy. I need to picture my good strong cells fighting and destroying the cancer cells. I need to see the chemo course through me and annihilate the cancer. This is REAL this is NOW and the best part is that I don't have to do it alone!

I kind of see my path like this...God and I are climbing this mountain. The path is kind of narrow and He is on the inside by the mountain, I am towards the edge that feels a bit crumbling and scary. I want to turn away from the edge and quit letting it scare me, I want to turn away from what is ahead because it is impossible for me to see. I want to turn my body to look directly to God and shield my eyes from the other views. I want to place BOTH hands into His, firmly grab on and let Him lead me like a Father does a child. I want to be childlike in my faith with Him and stop questioning and searching. So today I am turning my body inward and away from the edge. I am placing my second hand firmly into His and will do my best to hold on for dear life as we climb this mountain path. Amazing how much less scary it seems already!

One Down!

Today went incredibly well, I am sure it was everyone's prayers and well wishes...as well as God's true blessings! Joe and Danielle took me to start the day off. Kendall was kind enough to come later since they really do not like more than 2 people at a time with me. After Joe had to leave for work, Kendall came to join us and brought some lunch!

The Terminator

Arnold worked out great. The first thing they do is the blood work. Everything has to be very sterile so I had to wear a mask and they had to drape me. I was given a cream to put on an hour before and it did a great job of numbing the area. I truly didn't hurt when she poked the needle in. The greatest part is that is the ONLY poke I have to have each time. They hook everything up to it from the outside from that "point" on.  It looks like this:

Then we have to wait a little over an hour to get results so we had a great meeting with Dr Parker and even checked out the cafe there.

Chemo Time

Treatment #1 DONE!

My sweet nurse Bridget!

Since I cannot have Benadryl they had to come up with a Plan B for me which was Clariton and Pepsid. They were worried I could have an allergic reaction to it and that could cause me to have to use a different chemo that isn't the first suggested plan. Well...I did not have ANY problems with the Taxol and we are good to go! Kendall and Danielle we were with me for the Chemo portion and the time flew by so quickly! I even got some wonderful surprise visitors from my Scripps prayer group. Jeanette, Debbie and a new friend that I am sorry I can't recall her name. It was so lovely to see them! I even got to FaceTime with Cam during my treatment and he gave us a little tour of where he works. 

Blessings and Fun Times

SOOOO many things to share with y'all! First of all my girls and I went to La Jolla and walked around, watched the seals (adorbs but STINKY!), and even sat and prayed our rosaries on the rocks watching the waves crash! It was so amazing to give thanks and do it with my daughters by my side. I had hoped to pray the rosary during the treatment but there were so many interruptions it was impossible. I like where we ended up anyway, it was beautiful!

Rosary time at the beach!

Then we went to pick up my new wig that had come in and when we got home there was a gigantic sign from my loved ones in Mexico along with flowers (some from them and some from my awesome prayer group friends), notes and even yummy stuff! We are talking the "Mother Load" of love!!! I had not cried all day but got so overwhelmed by it that I could not help myself. When Kendall went to take my photo with it she said, "See mom, people all over the world love you and are praying for you!" I am truly so blessed!

Feeling Great

First of all I cannot tell at this point that I even had anything done, I know the symptoms are coming and I am preparing for them. I have meds to fight nausea and other helpful things. I felt VERY uplifted all day. I hate to go so far as say I was excited about it but I think it was more of a relieved feeling to finally have steps being taken to actually go to battle with this cancer. The sooner I start, the sooner I am done. I promise now that I have had a treatment at Moores I will stop calling it "The Scary Place". I had dubbed it that after the tour Kendall and I took and she scolded me every time. It is no longer scary to me but a place that I go to in order to wage war on this disease! It only begins there ... the week between needs to be filled with positive visualization, taking care of myself, doing all the right things and most importantly, praying!  Yup, mine and yours. We have started this battle and I am suited up in my warrior gear. Let's get this done! I love you all and thank you for your wonderful prayers, good thoughts and support!

Beth jumping for JOY!

My incredible surprise! I love you all! Thank you from the bottom of my heart! 

Count Down

Well, I am getting closer and closer to the start of my treatment and cure. I go in this Thursday for my first infusion! I get a blood test, go across the parking lot to see my oncologist while they run my blood test and then over to get this party started. They will be taking it very slow for me because they usually give Benadryl with the infusion but I have very bad reactions to Benadryl (of course, always the odd one!).  They will be giving me Clariton and Pepsid instead. Please pray that I react well to the Taxol so I can continue on this path.

Danielle is coming down Wednesday night and will be joining our little team of Joe, Kendall and I for the day. We will take turns since we can't all be in there, unfortunately I don't get to switch out! LOL  I am looking forward to seeing her and having her here. If I am feeling up to it Joe and I will go up to LA on Saturday and watch her perform!  She is getting back at her music and I am excited to hear her beautiful voice again.

Cameron will be home the weekend of August 22nd for a friend's wedding and I am so happy I will be able to see him and spend some time with him. I cannot wait to wrap my arms around that boy! I warned him to prepare himself because I will be extra mushy! ;o)

I probably won't post again until Thursday night since I am just at work today and tomorrow. I thank you all again for your continued prayers and good wishes, each and everyone of you mean so much to me and I can feel them all flowing in! Please keep my good reaction to the chemo in your prayers and I'll let you all know how it went. 

Blessings

Okay, I am sure many of you who have never been involved with me in a religious sense before now are probably saying, "Wow, Beth is really getting into this God thing a lot since her diagnosis." Although I will happily admit that I have grown even stronger in my faith during this, I have been this way a good portion of my life. I was not raised in a particularly religious home as a child. I was baptized as a baby and was taken to church a few times, mainly Easter as I recall because I vividly remember being all dressed up and even had this cute little handbag with me. I opened it during church and spilled all of the marbles I had loaded it with. You can only imagine what that was like!

I was always intrigued and called to find a church home for myself. Growing up I tagged along to many different churches and services with friends and their families. You name it, I tried it. I remember getting in the Cronan family station wagon (they had 11 kids and probably didn't even notice I was there most of the time) and going to Blessed Sacrament. It was in Latin back then and I had no idea what was going on but I did love those donuts in the basement afterwards! 

Needless to say, I married a "cradle Catholic" and found my church home.  I have taught religious education to elementary kids, middle school kids and still teaching high school kids (my personal favorite!). I adore working with them as they prepare for their confirmation into our church. They are all so wonderful in their own ways and I get so attached to them...especially the ones that I know are reading my blog...we have that extra special connection!

If you were not aware of this it is probably because I am not the "preacher" type of person when it comes to faith. I don't mean to say I hide it but I totally respect everyone's own choices and walk that they are on. If someone else brings it up, I more than happy to jump in and share but I guess I have chosen to try and be more of one of those who live by example verses just all talk. I am deeply into my faith and talk daily with God, I really don't know I would still be here without it. I feel like He has been growing my faith and calling me closer and closer to Him and now I can clearly see one of the reasons for this. I don't think it was all about the cancer, I know He has many, many reasons and they are all gifts to me. My life has truly changed for the better from it. I feel like life throws curve balls at you every day and it is easy to get your "train derailed" along the way. When I go to mass I feel like God picks up my little caboose, lovingly brushes it off,  and gently places it back on track. Whether people do that through meditation, prayer on their own, or go to a church, I think we can all improve and start over again by doing that. ;o) 

Because I am not that outward about speaking about my faith (outside of a church setting) this part of my blog is a bit more challenging. I think of each of you as I write and wonder what the different reactions are and at first I worried about offending or turning people off. I even separate this part from the news part just in case someone doesn't want to read it. I have obviously decided that these are thoughts and feelings that I need to put into words and you cannot even imagine how therapeutic it is for me. I write my blog very "raw" and really don't go back and keep re-reading to look for mistakes (which I am sure you have caught onto by now). ;o) You are getting Beth unfiltered and uncensored (okay, a little censored...remember I said I have those wonderful kids from church reading this!).  

With all that said, now you know more about me and my spiritual side. I thank you for reading my blog and for the incredible feedback and comments I get in various ways from you. It is wonderful to have you all on my team and by my side. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and I love you all. Now Heigh-Ho, Heigh-Ho, off to work I go! (most of you probably get that too - wink, wink)

(P.S.)

One other thing, I have mentioned a book called Jesus Calling.  I have read it over and over for a few years and mentioned that I mark parts that touch me each year. It is amazing how the pages reach me differently each year. Well todays was quite remarkable and spot on for me so I just had to share it. I am being lazy and took a photo of it instead of retyping it. Here you go...

I'm Back!

Yes my friends and family, I am back! I guess it truly is darkest before the dawn and I thank you for all of your prayers, encouragement and love you sent my way. I will not lie, it was a huge mental and emotional set back for me to not get into the trial but some incredible things came out of it. As I have said, from the very beginning I asked God for clarity and to make clear my path for decisions and direction. God and I have an agreement, it is that He needs to give me very clear and blatant signs. I am a little dense and He usually has to hit me like a 2x4 to pick up on them. He sends them to me like a bolt of lightening and I never have to doubt or second guess when I get them. Well Friday night was one of despair that I hope to never revisit. 

That night I was on the phone with my oncologist (yes, she is that wonderful that she calls me after hours and even on weekends!). I was desperate to find another study to get into and it was all I could focus on. I thought, "I will not take this NO answer". I had Joe researching and I was pushing aside God and trying to direct things. Well, Kendall got me to bed with my heart full of prayer that night. I surrender it all to God before falling asleep. I didn't feel it at the time but woke up feeling like my answers and my clarity was on its way. 

As I drove to work for the first time in 4 days (I was healing from my port) I started feeling happier. It was wonderful to be back with my wonderful girls at the salon, to be working with my hands again and to have normal conversations with my awesome clients. During this time, my answers all came rolling in. Dr Parker was sending me messages and we were conversing back and forth. I was blown away over the effort she made to help me get my answers about the other trials. She even spoke with both doctors and found out one study was closed and offered me an appointment to see the other doctor for the UCI trial on Tuesday. I read about the trial, things were not feeling right and then I did what I should have done all along. I asked the my doctor, the one that has already earned my trust, the one I know God led me to, the one that has proven she will bend over backwards for me, what she thinks is best for me. She insured me that she already has me on that track and that the "standard of care" is the best known medical treatment there is and all the rest with the trials have no guarantees. I felt like someone lifted a veil from my face and I could see again! I had placed it there with doubt and fear and now it was GONE. I have ZERO doubt that I am with the right doctor and that there is no better person for this job. She is an amazing woman and truly will do anything to help me fight this, I know she will not give up! And let's face it...she stuck by me very kindly when CRAZY BETH came out! 

Well crazy, negative Beth has left the building! Yup, I kicked her butt out of here and I have no room for her on this journey. This warrior of God is ready for the coming week and the beginning of my treatments. I am ready for Arnold to start Terminating this cancer...one of my friends referred to me as the Bethinator and I kind of like that!

HAIR

Yup, it's going to fall out. I know that and I am as ready as I can be. To be honest, with all the hot flashes I have it might actually feel nice! Well, different people handle this transition different ways. One thing I knew I needed to do was to have a wig or 2 ready to go. One of my dear friends, Nancy Kane gave me her cute little adorable wig to use (it is awesome, even real hair). It is a short bob style. Then Kendall and I went wig shopping and I found that having a bunch of synthetic hair all over my shoulders, the length of my current hair, was rather annoying. I tried on some shorter cuts closer to what Nancy's wig length is and felt so much better. Some people go out and find a wig to match their hair...then there are people like me who chose a wig and then have your own hair cut to match it! Yes I did!!  After work yesterday Jeanette was kind enough to stay a little longer and gave me the cutest haircut and I feel so liberated! I feel like it is also symbolic of a new beginning as well! When Kendall came home and saw me she actually thought I had the wig on at first! LOL  It will be a lot easier to pick this length of hair up as it falls out, I may even get an even shorter cut when that time comes. I am getting as "unattached" to my hair as I can since it will be "unattaching" itself from me soon enough. It is just a byproduct of my treatment and this too shall pass. You never know, I might have to get a funky fun wig along the way too. Could be good for a laugh or two and who can't use one of those! 

Blessings

My blessings are even so much more appreciated after drifting into my dark period. It truly is darkest before the dawn and I feel so uplifted and filled with all that I was missing. My heart is full of trust, hope, faith, belief, gratefulness, love and fight! I had them before and they were probably always there through this time but the veil I had let hide them kept me from seeing and feeling them. The are so brought and shiny now that I practically need sunglasses. I am sure some of you that live close to me were wondering what that bright glow was coming from our house...now you know!

Okay y'all. You are definitely getting to experience me "in the raw". I will not hide my thoughts and feelings with you, in fact putting them into words is quite therapeutic for me. Sometimes you need to see or hear your own thoughts to understand them and figure out what to do with them. Thank you for sticking with me on this journey and thank you to all that encouraged me through this rough patch. Whether you got in touch or just prayed for me, it all helped so much. I have 3 days of work ahead of me and then the big day when we get this cure on its way. Danielle is coming down Wednesday night and I am excited to see her. I will have my warriors all by my side and we start off on this next chapter...so blessed!

My cute new cut, thank you Jeanette! Sassy!!

Quick Post and Request

Hello everyone. Soooooo, yesterday I got some good news and some bad news. Why is it that those always seem to come in pairs? The good news is that my MRI of my kidney and ovary show nothing alarming. We finally can check that off the list now, it has been checked off and put back on so many times but it looks like it is officially off the list. The bad news was after all these tests and waiting I was in the 20% that got randomized out of the trial for the extra drug. I guess the drug in the trial is showing great promise and 80% of the women will be lucky enough to be getting it...not me. It has thrown me into a tail spin I am afraid. I am supposed to start my treatments on Thursday but now I feel like I need to find another place that is doing these trials and see if I can get in one. Joe found a few, one at UCI and another at City of Hope but if it means more biopsies, tests and waiting that could take another month then I don't think I have it in me and I worry about prolonging treatment again. Then again if it could be an extra chance to add to my chance of survival then is it worth it? I am so confused what my next move is.

Here's where you come in. I have prayed from the very beginning that God makes clear my path for me so I don't doubt my decisions because I know what He wants for me. My head has so much white noise in it right now that I am having trouble hearing Him. I need your prayers for direction and clarity. I hope you can join me is asking for this. 

Blessings

No matter how lost I feel during this I will always look for my blessings. I don't have to look far to know one is right next to me. Kendall was such a ray of light all day yesterday for me. She is so good at know exactly what I need. She knows and goes along with my times of silence, prayer, humor, tears. She is so compassionate and a blessing in my life. We went on a walk, went wig shopping and sat and cried and prayed together yesterday. I am always fighting and hiding my tears and I just let them come yesterday. 

Warrior

The warrior needs to return in me, I know this but having trouble finding her. She needs to be filled with Trust, Hope, Faith, Belief, Gratefulness, Love, and a major dose of FIGHT. My hands are open and my palms are up God, please fill them with these graces!

Please stand beside me and pray for my guidance!  

Switching Roles

Poor Kendall had to be the one going to the doctor today. She had to have a gum graph done and I drove her to and from her appointment. As sorry as I was that she had to have this done, it felt like the world was spinning in the right direction again. I am used to being the caregiver not the one being cared for and it was nice to be mommy and take care of my daughter!  She is doing much better than last time and that is great!

So I mentioned that I have been having trouble shutting up my dark thoughts. They just keep sneaking in my head and heart and I know that is NOT good! A dear friend came all the way from LA to see me today and he said something that made sense. He said that if I had a loved one that was sick and someone came into my house and started telling them that they were going to die that I would tell them to shut up and kick them out of my house! Well that is what I am doing to myself and he said that I need to tell Beth to shut up and get out! He is totally right and I need to make that "Beth" get the heck out of here. There is no room for her in this house!! I like that, thank you Dennis!

Chemo Date

I finally have my first chemo date on the books. It may not be the kind of date I am usually excited about but in this case I am anxious to get this ball rolling! It is next Thursday, July 16 at 9:00 am. My insurance approved me for the clinical trial so now we all just need to pray that I am in the 80% that gets assigned to one of the legs of it. Either way I get the same standard of treatment but if I am put into the trial I will get put on an additional medicine. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send your prayers and good thoughts that I get this! Either way though, it all starts next Thursday.

Arnold The Terminator is healing nicely and I feel like we are becoming one. He will be the port to terminate this cancer and I know he is going to do a great job!!  

Blessings

So as I mentioned, my fear and worrying have been getting the better of me and today not only did I get great advice from Dennis but my book I read a verse from every day (Jesus Calling) said something that really hit the nail on the head. In fact I put a book mark there so I can keep going back to read it! I would love to share this with you:

Stop worrying long enough to hear My voice. I speak softly to you, in the depths of your being. Your mind shuttles back and forth, hither and yon, weaving webs of anxious confusion. As My thoughts rise up within you, they become entangled in those sticky webs of worry. 

Ask My Spirit to quiet your mind so that you can think My thoughts. This ability is an awesome benefit of being My child, patterned after My own image. Do not be deafened by the noise of the world or that of your own thinking. Instead, be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Sit quietly in My Presence, letting My thoughts reprogram your thinking. 

Okay, message heard loud and clear!  Shut up Beth!! Time for nothing but positive thoughts!! I will try my best to hand over my fear and worry and live each day as it comes. This warrior and her Terminator are ready to battle! 

Coming out of the Cloud

A new day is here and like all the others before it, it is a blessing to have. I want you all to know that I am fighting like hell to get myself out of this cloud of doubt. I had some time this morning to pull myself together, spend some time in prayer and listen to the awesome playlist my friend Jen made me. I am actually being sung to right now as I type and being reminded how much He Loves Us! I love that song!

I am NOT alone and that truly makes me get up, put my warrior gear on, and prepare for this battle. You have all surrounded me with so much love and prayers. From messages, to cards to each and every way you have reached out to me. I have one of the greatest oncologists in the world fighting for me and most of all I have the love and protection from God. I couldn't ask for more and I need to count those blessings and drawn strength from them all.

God, long ago, placed the strong burning desire in my heart to be a grandmother and be able to watch my kids be parents. I know they will all be wonderful at it! He would not have given me that peek into my future if He was going to take it away and it is that desire that will keep me fighting through this. I am choosing to set my focus on that since it brings such great joy and helps me balance out my fear with my hope. 

I received a very nice message from my oncologist today about triple negative cancer that I'd like to share with you, it left me with so much more hope:

Regarding triple negative breast - should it recur there are many treatments and many in development that are very promising. So there is much hope!!!
It is always best to focus on what we know now and on the current first step, chemotherapy and to get through that then focus on surgery, then what does the pathology from surgery mean, then radiation, etc....
As we get information, we will share, discuss, and partner with you in all decisions.....
Again, much hope .... From the clinical trial ISPY2, from other clinical trials in the field...so we will keep that perspective.....

My new challenge is to get final approval from my insurance company to be able to participate in the clinical trial I am up for. They are holding things up so please pray and keep positive thoughts about that please. I am off to my kidney and ovary MRI today and my first meeting with my doctor from the radiation portion of my treatment plan. Lucia is taking me since Joe is out of town and Kendall is tutoring. I'll let you know how it goes.  

Until then Arnold is healing nicely, I feel like I got punched in the chest and it looks like a big cyst but otherwise it brings me great comfort to know that The Terminator is now part of my warrior gear and that he has a big job in all of this. Go get em' Arnie!!!

The Good, the Bad and the Scary

Well the good news is that Arnold the Terminator went in just fine today. Although I am bruised and sore I think that everything went well and as expected. It ended up that I was not really asleep for it but at least feeling buzzed during it. Although they use the twilight sleep used in a colonoscopy they do not give you as much so you are actually awake. I felt the pulling and such but no pain after the numbing injections went in. I look like I have a huge cyst on my left chest now...a little gnarly to say the least.

The bad news came from our meeting with my oncologist. Joe and Kendall were with me for both appointments today. She still is not comfortable with the findings about my kidney and a possible cyst on my ovary so I am back in an MRI tomorrow for that. We need to make sure 100% that there is no cancer anywhere else before chemo starts and this is the only way to be sure of it.

Okay, the scary news was the cold hard facts about my triple negative cancer. I have been putting off asking this but finally got the nerve up today. I know this cancer has a reoccurrence rate that is not the best and I asked what if it does reoccur and where that might happen. It would most likely be somewhere else in my body and if it did it would then be metastatic cancer for which there is no cure. Yup, I am even having a difficult time typing these words. I am back in my little dark place and having a hard time breathing right now. This is where all of you come in...

Blessings

I desperately need all of your blessings! I need for all of you to pray that the chemo will completely kill all of the cancer in the tumors. When they go in for the surgery that is when we will know for sure (actually after the pathology reports come in). We will get some idea with MRIs beforehand but won't know for sure until the surgery and reports. If this happens it increases my chances greatly of it not coming back. If the chemo worked that well on the tumor then it would have hopefully killed any other cells lurking elsewhere. I am scared, probably even more scared than the very first phone call telling me I have cancer. In fact not probably more scared but most definitely more scared. I am ashamed to admit that. I always feel like my faith is lacking when this happens but heck, that was really tough news to hear today! Please, please, please pray that I can weather through these chemo treatments and that Arnold will truly Terminate my cancer.

I know in my heart that I am supposed to be an old lady, cool grandma, and stay here to continue to do His work. Please help me be strong and help me weather this storm. I need you all!

Count Down to Arnold

So this is the week it all starts happening. I am a proactive type of person so I am glad to be moving towards starting this whole process and move out of tests and diagnosis time (who am I fooling, the tests never stop!). I go in tomorrow to have my portocath aka Arnold the Terminator "installed". This port will allow them to access me for blood tests, injections, and infusions without disturbing my veins. It will be with me until I have completed all treatments including chemo, surgery and radiation. I am not going to lie, as happy as I am to get this ball rolling I am a little scared. Stepping into the unknown is always a test for us needless to say. My body is about to get invaded and go into warfare on this cancer...let's get this done! Wow, that felt pretty empowering when I wrote that. Yup, I like how that feels. This is warfare on my cancer and Arnold is going to terminate it all from my body! I will use that as a focus to picture the cancer being destroyed for sure!

I will try and post tomorrow night when I get home from the procedure but I am putting my disclaimer on this right now that I may be a little loopy still. So in other words my post could be a lot of fun! ;o)

Blessings

Where do I begin after such a great weekend? First Disneyland for 2 days with Joe...we ran away from it all since it was my last weekend before having this all get rolling and I wanted to make the most of it. Then yesterday I got another treat. Lucia and I went and got some fresh air with a hike at Torrey Pines followed by a yummy breakfast at Naked Cafe. It sure was great to catch up on life and just be with her. For those of you who don't know Lucia, I have known her since elementary school (girl scouts and all) and she also happens to be Cameron's Godmother. 

Speaking of Cameron, can I just say how proud I am of him!?!?! He made up his mind to go to New York when his tour of Beauty and the Beast ended (he was Gaston). He said he didn't want his business resume to go cold while he is pursuing acting and was going to try to work in the advertising field while he is there (verses wait tables like almost every other actor). WHY would I even doubt that goal? He is the true example of setting your mind to do something and making it happen for himself! He is working at The Mill in New York City and really enjoying it. He said he is learning so much and is excited to be with such a great advertising firm. SO nice to not have to worry about him, when I think of him I get a big smile on my face and feel so happy!

Okay, I have more blessings to share but I am going to save them to spread them out. One cool little sign that I got today though was during this silly game I play on my phone. It is called Trivia Crack and I have a few friends that I play against (don't make fun, it keeps my mind working and I learn a lot of useless facts from it!). Well today it asked me, "What was the famous 1980s movie starring Arnold Schwarzenegger called?" I just love the little signs and gifts I get each and every day. I feel like it was God giving me the thumbs up that He has it all handled for tomorrow and things are moving in the right direction. Terminator...be ready to be united in battle with Beth! Warfare time!

It was a "Spitty" Day!

Yes, I said spitty as in SPIT!  Today Kendall and I went to the genetic counseling meeting. It was so interesting and we learned so much. I met the criteria to be tested so guess what I got to do? I got to sit and keep spitting into a little vile...let me tell you it was VILE!  Kendall thought it would be a good time to use the bathroom so she wouldn't have to watch (of course after she took a photo of me doing it). Thank goodness the person running the test left too because the added pressure of having an audience was giving me performance anxiety!  One of the problems is that you can't drink water for at least 30 minutes prior so it was like trying to squeeze water out of the barren desert!  GROSS. We should have the results in about 3 weeks.  This will play a big factor in my surgery decisions later and also will help my kids know about their own health. (I have decided to spare you all and not post the photo Kendall took of me doing this by the way...you are welcome!)

Infusion Center

Kendall and I also toured the place I will be getting my chemo treatments. I cannot lie, it was kind of a scary thing for us both. Scary and depressing. Don't get me wrong, they have done a VERY nice job at the Moore's Cancer Center at making it as nice as possible. It was just hard seeing so many people at different stages of their treatment, some in not so good of shape and others chatting with friends while they were being treated. I think I will choose to be one of the latter people by the way! I know it was a good idea to get a look at the place so I know what to expect when I go for my first treatment but it did rattled me a little and I need to process it. Whew! There sure has been a lot to swallow lately. Gulp!

Blessings/Inside Out

So this evening Joe and I went on a double date with Kendall and Christian to go see the movie Inside Out. If you have not seen this yet, I highly recommend it.  It is an animated film about the different emotions inside our brain and how they control our thoughts and actions. It was so clever and it had some great messages and delightful humor. Inside the brain there was Joy, Saddness, Anger, Fear and Disgust. For me there was an element missing that I know would be in my brain...Faith. In fact it got me thinking about a conversation I had with Father Anthony at Our Lady of Mount Carmel the day after I was diagnosed. I told him (through my sobs) that I was ashamed over the amount of fear I was feeling. I felt it was due to a lack of faith. He explained and comforted me by saying fear is a human emotion that we are programed with and that it plays an important role for us. It keeps us from running into dangerous situations and can protect us. He said that I should not feel guilty about my fear and that prayer is a great answer to help control it. I thought about that a lot since then. I need to find a balance and I realize that I will not have one alone without the other along this journey. I need to make sure that the faith is in control of the fear and allow them to work together. If I try to deny the fear I think it will sneak up on me and take me by surprise. It is actually the lesson from the movie (spoiler alert!).  The emotions actually learn how to work together instead of individually and that each one is important to the whole picture. The memories end up being a beautiful blend verses solely from one emotion. As silly as it may sound, I think this cute little movie will be in my mind a lot as I process all of this along the way. I know that Faith will be at the helm!

Running Away

Joe and I are running away tomorrow morning after mass to head up to Disneyland for one last weekend of fun before this whole ball gets rolling on Tuesday (the port goes in). I will probably not post until at least Saturday night or maybe even Sunday so I want to wish you all a very happy 4th of July! Thank you all for the love, prayers and support you have been sending in different ways. It means the world to me truly!

A little photo booth fun at the theater! (obviously 4 adults do not fit properly into a photo booth this small!)

The Detour Continues

Yup, every day this week I get to go to a medical appointment...this truly is a detour in my life.  One I certainly had not planned but one I am trying to go with the flow on.  Do I really have a choice when you think about it? I can either go with it or keep banging my head against the wall. It's amazing that when you do just go with the flow you can enjoy the ride so much better. Every day holds a little something special in it for me and many times multiple special things. First of all I am blown away with hearing from so many wonderful friends and family. I am NOT good at receiving so it has been an incredibly humbling experience. I always have told people how much I get out of helping others so I guess it is my turn to learn how to let others experience that as well by allowing them to help me. Besides learning to accept and embrace help, I am working on saying NO and knowing my limits more often (huge for me), how to just say "thank you" and let someone do something for me (another huge one), and trying to express my weaknesses and what I need (mind blowing for me)! I am a work in progress for sure...thank you all for your patience and love!

Appointments

So far this week I have had an ultra sound of my kidney, pneumonia shot with my new internal medicine doctor, a lesson on my port and tomorrow a tour of the infusion center and appointment for genetic testing. Maybe I should just go get an apartment in La Jolla to shorten the drive? LOL

My New Friend

Today was interesting to say the least. Joe was out of town and Kendall was teaching a kids camp so Sheila took me again. We went to get the low down on my portocath. We actually got to hold it in our hands and really check it out. It is made of titanium and was heavier than I thought it would be. It is about the size of a quarter in diameter but much thicker. (I have a picture below so you can see it) Well, Sheila and I feel like it looks like it came off the Terminator. That got me thinking and I decided that I need to name this device that will be in me until this entire journey is over. I have decided that it will be Arnold! He is going to help us "Terminate" my cancer and be the port to my restored health! Let's do this Arnold...but this time you WON'T say, "I'll be back!"

Blessings

The GENTLEman that did my ultra sound was Cesar. I made GENTLE all uppercase because he was such a sweet and gentle man. Just to start, as he was walking me down the hall from the waiting room and I commented on how thankful I was he called me because a woman who had sat next to me was wearing an entire bottle of perfume. For those of you that know me well know that I get a migraine from perfumes. He put me in the room for the test and left me for a few minutes. When he came back in he told me, in his cute little accent, that he had gone and wiped off his aftershave so I could enjoy my appointment with him! I felt so badly and explained I had not even noticed it. He spoke so sweet and calmly through the procedure, explaining things about my kidneys and comforting me that they see these types of fatty tumors all the time and that I need not worry about it. He also told me my right kidney looks great. The best part was when we were done. He looked so sincerely into my eyes, told me he would be praying for me, and that he had such a strong feeling that everything was going to turn out just fine for me. He could feel it in his heart! I left with a big smile on my face. It is amazing how one person can make such a difference in another persons day. Let's all do that tomorrow for someone...yup, that's another challenging I am throwing out at y'all! 

This is Arnold, my "Terminator".  He will be going "underground" next Tuesday. Oh yeah, I have to carry a card with me explaining why I will set off metal detectors! 

Interesting, gross and cool all at the same time. I am told that this will make a huge difference during my treatment. They will use this port for everything including blood draws, any injections, IVs and infusions.