The Good, the Bad and the Scary

Well the good news is that Arnold the Terminator went in just fine today. Although I am bruised and sore I think that everything went well and as expected. It ended up that I was not really asleep for it but at least feeling buzzed during it. Although they use the twilight sleep used in a colonoscopy they do not give you as much so you are actually awake. I felt the pulling and such but no pain after the numbing injections went in. I look like I have a huge cyst on my left chest now...a little gnarly to say the least.

The bad news came from our meeting with my oncologist. Joe and Kendall were with me for both appointments today. She still is not comfortable with the findings about my kidney and a possible cyst on my ovary so I am back in an MRI tomorrow for that. We need to make sure 100% that there is no cancer anywhere else before chemo starts and this is the only way to be sure of it.

Okay, the scary news was the cold hard facts about my triple negative cancer. I have been putting off asking this but finally got the nerve up today. I know this cancer has a reoccurrence rate that is not the best and I asked what if it does reoccur and where that might happen. It would most likely be somewhere else in my body and if it did it would then be metastatic cancer for which there is no cure. Yup, I am even having a difficult time typing these words. I am back in my little dark place and having a hard time breathing right now. This is where all of you come in...

Blessings

I desperately need all of your blessings! I need for all of you to pray that the chemo will completely kill all of the cancer in the tumors. When they go in for the surgery that is when we will know for sure (actually after the pathology reports come in). We will get some idea with MRIs beforehand but won't know for sure until the surgery and reports. If this happens it increases my chances greatly of it not coming back. If the chemo worked that well on the tumor then it would have hopefully killed any other cells lurking elsewhere. I am scared, probably even more scared than the very first phone call telling me I have cancer. In fact not probably more scared but most definitely more scared. I am ashamed to admit that. I always feel like my faith is lacking when this happens but heck, that was really tough news to hear today! Please, please, please pray that I can weather through these chemo treatments and that Arnold will truly Terminate my cancer.

I know in my heart that I am supposed to be an old lady, cool grandma, and stay here to continue to do His work. Please help me be strong and help me weather this storm. I need you all!