Quick Post and Request
Hello everyone. Soooooo, yesterday I got some good news and some bad news. Why is it that those always seem to come in pairs? The good news is that my MRI of my kidney and ovary show nothing alarming. We finally can check that off the list now, it has been checked off and put back on so many times but it looks like it is officially off the list. The bad news was after all these tests and waiting I was in the 20% that got randomized out of the trial for the extra drug. I guess the drug in the trial is showing great promise and 80% of the women will be lucky enough to be getting it...not me. It has thrown me into a tail spin I am afraid. I am supposed to start my treatments on Thursday but now I feel like I need to find another place that is doing these trials and see if I can get in one. Joe found a few, one at UCI and another at City of Hope but if it means more biopsies, tests and waiting that could take another month then I don't think I have it in me and I worry about prolonging treatment again. Then again if it could be an extra chance to add to my chance of survival then is it worth it? I am so confused what my next move is.
Here's where you come in. I have prayed from the very beginning that God makes clear my path for me so I don't doubt my decisions because I know what He wants for me. My head has so much white noise in it right now that I am having trouble hearing Him. I need your prayers for direction and clarity. I hope you can join me is asking for this.
Blessings
No matter how lost I feel during this I will always look for my blessings. I don't have to look far to know one is right next to me. Kendall was such a ray of light all day yesterday for me. She is so good at know exactly what I need. She knows and goes along with my times of silence, prayer, humor, tears. She is so compassionate and a blessing in my life. We went on a walk, went wig shopping and sat and cried and prayed together yesterday. I am always fighting and hiding my tears and I just let them come yesterday.
Warrior
The warrior needs to return in me, I know this but having trouble finding her. She needs to be filled with Trust, Hope, Faith, Belief, Gratefulness, Love, and a major dose of FIGHT. My hands are open and my palms are up God, please fill them with these graces!
Please stand beside me and pray for my guidance!
Morning Sunshine...and you too Arnie! Love the "sermon" that Dennis gave you! Kick that "unBeth" to the curb. Reminds me of when I heard Maya Angelo say that if anyone spoke negatively in her home she would put up her hand and loudly state STOP. She didn't want that negativity seeping into her couch...her carpet...her home...her Being. As for me...when "unJoni" shows up (or other negative peeps)...I think of when Jesus said...GET BEHIND ME SATAN...and I will sometimes even say it outloud with a southern accent and a big ole hand motion. Makes me grin and gets the point across. Stay strong my friend...and living in the NOW.
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DeleteHere is the actual conversations between Maya and Oprah.
DeleteMaya: I believe that a negative statement is poison. The air between you and me is filled with sounds and images. If that were not so, how is it that I can turn on a television right now and see what's happening in New York? That means sounds and images are in the air, crowded, jammed up like bats. And Oprah, I'm convinced that the negative has power. It lives. And if you allow it to perch in your house, in your mind, in your life, it can take you over. So when the rude or cruel thing is said—the lambasting, the gay bashing, the hate—I say, "Take it all out of my house!" Those negative words climb into the woodwork and into the furniture, and the next thing you know they'll be on my skin.
Oprah: The same is true with the positive spirit.
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Oprah-Interviews-Maya-Angelou#ixzz3fbGpCBoq
Thank you my sweet and inspirational Joni! A wonderful message and wonderful way to attack those negative thoughts. I will work on my southern accent for sure and start letting satan know I have no room for him...not even behind me! Love you my friend!
DeleteThat is awesome Joni, wonderful share!
ReplyDeleteAs difficult as the news may have seemed yesterday it is time to take the harsh thoughts and feelings and hang them up for God to take over. He will gladly lift up the fears and thoughts that linger in your mind and make them vanish. Although it might feel temporary, every second you feel one of those demons come back, hang it up. You don't have room to hold onto those-nor do you need to. The beauty is we have a God that wants you to feel whole and happy again, let him work his magic!
When I think of my mom I think of courage-boldness-strength. You are mightier than you can see right now. Let us share with you how we see you and believe us as we do. I love you mom-His will shall be done
Thank you my sweet dear child. You truly helped me break through my dark moment, you know me so well and are such a light in my life. I love you my sweet girl. I will try to continue to be the mom you see me to be and believe in my own strength! It is through God that I can achieve this...that and your love and support. You are so precious!
DeleteYou have been successful in every aspect of your life....I have no dout that this next hurdle will be hard, but you will win in the end, you always have....why?? Because your Beth...millions of people have had great success without the trials....not starting your next step will make Beth nuts...start....jump high, stay positive, I'm in your corner, the God I know is right beside you...pushing you...
ReplyDeleteBe brave, be strong, be the Beth I know, smart, CONFIDENT, beautiful, kick this in the ass....we have a wedding to plan...and grand babies to rock. Luv u my friend. Here for you!!
I love you Kathy and I thank you for this message and all of your support, prayers and confidence! You are right, there are weddings and grandbabies on the horizon. What a great thing to focus on!
DeleteMy message didn't get posted but enough to say that you can always channel my warrior side to fight with yours. I'm there with you every step my sweet friend because that's what we do for each other, you, me, and Lucia.
ReplyDeleteThank you my Mel. I love knowing I have my sisters, Melodie and Lucia by my side for this. I love you and will certainly be channeling your warrior!!
DeleteDear dear Beth.Letting go and letting God is not always easy .But assured he is with you.I had a thought while praying for you.My professional stuff steps in and maybe God is giving me a message for you.Pray about this Beth,But you are in the finest cancer treatment center comparable to any in this country .Yiu have a great dr.Maybe there is a reason thatbyouvdidnt make the trial,that God is protecting you in other ways.Of course the Dr can be helpful in your making the decision.I am feeling medically speaking that you need to get started,He promised us peace with decisions.Just a thought.Live you precious Beth!Whatever decision you make will be the right one!
ReplyDeleteRemember when your own faith waivers, you have an army backing you up in that department. You are so loved because of all you have given to all of us.
ReplyDeletePS: I believe it is a great honor that God didn't include you in the trial. Aunt Beth doesn't need no stinkin trial! You have all the gifts you need, all the strength you need, and will continue to be blessed with all of the right doctors and medicine and love and support to heal and be well. You are in the flow!
Jackson and I are holding space and sending love and light 24 hours a day-in fact, we have our own back up army to your back up army and we're all praying and keeping the faith all the way in Colorado.
We love you Grauntie-Auntie Beth. Thank you for courageously sharing your journey.
Love,
Fer-Fer
Thanks for being in my army sweet Fer-Fer. You AND Jackson of course. I love you both so much and appreciate your encouragement and prayers! I miss you both and send love and hugs your way. XOXO
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