Back to Work!

Well it sure felt great to be back at work! I will be there Monday - Wednesday this week before heading into treatment #2 on Thursday. I was away too long and it took it's toll on me a bit. Idle time and too much time to think is not a plus for me at this point. I like being busy and I love my job. I get to visit and hear everyone's stories and get caught up with people, such a blessing for me. Joe and Kendall were both away out of town so Mike and Kathy Brown took me out for a bite to eat last night. It was lovely and I got to hear all about the wedding plans for their sons upcoming wedding. Makes me so excited about Kendall and Christian's wedding next summer!

Blessings and the Path of Life...

I have still been battling the "dark" feelings but actually had some unplanned free time this morning. I decided to put it to good use and have some time to not just praying but actually listening to what God is trying to tell me through this thick head of mine. Well my daily reading started with "Rest in my Presence when you need refreshment."  We were off to a good start! It also said, "When you relax in My company you are demonstrating trust in Me." TRUST... REST... RELAX. Hum, those are certainly good words. My thoughts and prayers took me back to my first and ongoing prayer since this started...I asked God to "Make clear my path". I asked that I would clearly see the decisions I was to make and the path I was to be on with all of this. I have had some pretty awesome answers that were nice and clear (remember that God and I have an agreement that I need to practically be hit in the head with a 2x4 to see things!).  Then I focused my thoughts on one word in that prayer of mine...the word PATH.

Life is a path, a journey on a path. We sometimes make that path much harder than it needs to be by straying off of it, backtracking and wasting time with things from the past, and the most dangerous of all...looking too far ahead and trying to predict outcomes. Well that is what this little numb scull keeps doing!  I keep running ahead and worrying about what is next. I do it to the point that it is making me sick and it is taking away from my healthy attitude that I need to be able to fight what is real right now. I am taking strength away and overshadowing positive thoughts that I need to heal and fight right now with. This needs to stop!!!

Here are my thoughts on this whole PATH thing. God can only be with us here on earth in the present. He is right there next to us on this little path, for each and every step. He has His hand out and all we need to do is TRUST and take it. Sometimes the path is narrow and harrowing, our grip can be tightened or can be lost at these times. Other times the path is wide and full of joy and happiness. We can also forget to hang on at these times and forget He is there. We take it for granted and forget to give thanks for it.

So right now for some reason I have been put on a difficult path. Now who in their right mind would step onto that path without grabbing the firm Hand outstretched and waiting for them? I have definitely grabbed a hold of that Hand ever since this began but I keep letting it go and running ahead on the path. I keep trying to picture what is next waiting around the corner...the what ifs, the maybes. They are all very scary and dark for me. I know why! When we break our hold from God's hand and run ahead or dwell in the past we choose to leave the Presence of God. Now why would we do that? Here we are on this path, in His Presence, with His loving grip on our hand and we break free from it and choose to remove ourselves from Him.  STUPID, major STUPID! It is dark on the path behind us and the path ahead of us because His light is in the presence...right there where His Hand is waiting outstretched for us.

It became so clear to me this morning that I must keep reminding myself to stay in the present. To fight the feeling of needing to peak up ahead on the path. I need to choose to stay in the present and just focus on what is real and what is before me. I need to focus on positive healing thoughts and good energy. I need to picture my good strong cells fighting and destroying the cancer cells. I need to see the chemo course through me and annihilate the cancer. This is REAL this is NOW and the best part is that I don't have to do it alone!

I kind of see my path like this...God and I are climbing this mountain. The path is kind of narrow and He is on the inside by the mountain, I am towards the edge that feels a bit crumbling and scary. I want to turn away from the edge and quit letting it scare me, I want to turn away from what is ahead because it is impossible for me to see. I want to turn my body to look directly to God and shield my eyes from the other views. I want to place BOTH hands into His, firmly grab on and let Him lead me like a Father does a child. I want to be childlike in my faith with Him and stop questioning and searching. So today I am turning my body inward and away from the edge. I am placing my second hand firmly into His and will do my best to hold on for dear life as we climb this mountain path. Amazing how much less scary it seems already!