I'm Back!

Yes my friends and family, I am back! I guess it truly is darkest before the dawn and I thank you for all of your prayers, encouragement and love you sent my way. I will not lie, it was a huge mental and emotional set back for me to not get into the trial but some incredible things came out of it. As I have said, from the very beginning I asked God for clarity and to make clear my path for decisions and direction. God and I have an agreement, it is that He needs to give me very clear and blatant signs. I am a little dense and He usually has to hit me like a 2x4 to pick up on them. He sends them to me like a bolt of lightening and I never have to doubt or second guess when I get them. Well Friday night was one of despair that I hope to never revisit. 

That night I was on the phone with my oncologist (yes, she is that wonderful that she calls me after hours and even on weekends!). I was desperate to find another study to get into and it was all I could focus on. I thought, "I will not take this NO answer". I had Joe researching and I was pushing aside God and trying to direct things. Well, Kendall got me to bed with my heart full of prayer that night. I surrender it all to God before falling asleep. I didn't feel it at the time but woke up feeling like my answers and my clarity was on its way. 

As I drove to work for the first time in 4 days (I was healing from my port) I started feeling happier. It was wonderful to be back with my wonderful girls at the salon, to be working with my hands again and to have normal conversations with my awesome clients. During this time, my answers all came rolling in. Dr Parker was sending me messages and we were conversing back and forth. I was blown away over the effort she made to help me get my answers about the other trials. She even spoke with both doctors and found out one study was closed and offered me an appointment to see the other doctor for the UCI trial on Tuesday. I read about the trial, things were not feeling right and then I did what I should have done all along. I asked the my doctor, the one that has already earned my trust, the one I know God led me to, the one that has proven she will bend over backwards for me, what she thinks is best for me. She insured me that she already has me on that track and that the "standard of care" is the best known medical treatment there is and all the rest with the trials have no guarantees. I felt like someone lifted a veil from my face and I could see again! I had placed it there with doubt and fear and now it was GONE. I have ZERO doubt that I am with the right doctor and that there is no better person for this job. She is an amazing woman and truly will do anything to help me fight this, I know she will not give up! And let's face it...she stuck by me very kindly when CRAZY BETH came out! 

Well crazy, negative Beth has left the building! Yup, I kicked her butt out of here and I have no room for her on this journey. This warrior of God is ready for the coming week and the beginning of my treatments. I am ready for Arnold to start Terminating this cancer...one of my friends referred to me as the Bethinator and I kind of like that!

HAIR

Yup, it's going to fall out. I know that and I am as ready as I can be. To be honest, with all the hot flashes I have it might actually feel nice! Well, different people handle this transition different ways. One thing I knew I needed to do was to have a wig or 2 ready to go. One of my dear friends, Nancy Kane gave me her cute little adorable wig to use (it is awesome, even real hair). It is a short bob style. Then Kendall and I went wig shopping and I found that having a bunch of synthetic hair all over my shoulders, the length of my current hair, was rather annoying. I tried on some shorter cuts closer to what Nancy's wig length is and felt so much better. Some people go out and find a wig to match their hair...then there are people like me who chose a wig and then have your own hair cut to match it! Yes I did!!  After work yesterday Jeanette was kind enough to stay a little longer and gave me the cutest haircut and I feel so liberated! I feel like it is also symbolic of a new beginning as well! When Kendall came home and saw me she actually thought I had the wig on at first! LOL  It will be a lot easier to pick this length of hair up as it falls out, I may even get an even shorter cut when that time comes. I am getting as "unattached" to my hair as I can since it will be "unattaching" itself from me soon enough. It is just a byproduct of my treatment and this too shall pass. You never know, I might have to get a funky fun wig along the way too. Could be good for a laugh or two and who can't use one of those! 

Blessings

My blessings are even so much more appreciated after drifting into my dark period. It truly is darkest before the dawn and I feel so uplifted and filled with all that I was missing. My heart is full of trust, hope, faith, belief, gratefulness, love and fight! I had them before and they were probably always there through this time but the veil I had let hide them kept me from seeing and feeling them. The are so brought and shiny now that I practically need sunglasses. I am sure some of you that live close to me were wondering what that bright glow was coming from our house...now you know!

Okay y'all. You are definitely getting to experience me "in the raw". I will not hide my thoughts and feelings with you, in fact putting them into words is quite therapeutic for me. Sometimes you need to see or hear your own thoughts to understand them and figure out what to do with them. Thank you for sticking with me on this journey and thank you to all that encouraged me through this rough patch. Whether you got in touch or just prayed for me, it all helped so much. I have 3 days of work ahead of me and then the big day when we get this cure on its way. Danielle is coming down Wednesday night and I am excited to see her. I will have my warriors all by my side and we start off on this next chapter...so blessed!

My cute new cut, thank you Jeanette! Sassy!!